I don't even know

all I can say is that I'm glad my feelings towards Blayn aren't super strong, because otherwise I'd be slightly hurt right now.

I trust him plenty and I have a general idea of his personality, so I know he wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt me, but yeah. He texts me during my nap, which was around 4 pm, saying "GOD DAMN IT WHY!??!?!?! WHY MEEEEEEE" and then I texted, "what happened?" I didn't get a response.

I ended up sleeping for a million hours, wasting my day away, which I think is the only downfall to staying up late.

Then he responds at 7:04 saying, "my ex came to visit me RANDOMLY... the hell. I was sleeping and then boom she came over. And im to fucking nice to say go away... Ahhhhhhh... like I was sleeping then boom. WTF. Granted she just was over for a little bit. But still...... >.< "

I don't even know how to respond other than asking if she even offered a reason to go over there, because I'm pretty sure they're still on friendly terms and it's not a big deal if she had a reason. And then I have to wonder if 3 hours is a short time according to Blayn or if she had left sooner but he didn't check his phone.. or something. Like maybe he's talking with his Port Charlotte friends about whatever and contemplating us and what not, because he's that kind of guy who puts his friends' advice above his own judgement.

Is it weird that moments like this makes me think this is going to be short lived? Look at how far I have construed this. It doesn't help that he hasn't responded; I'm not the type of person that needs an immediate text, but he dropped a bit of a bomb on me without much to settle my spastic mind. And maybe I'm just over-reacting or being paranoid, but I feel anxious about this and him not responding with ANYTHING doesn't help. I'd settle for a "ttyl" or "I'll explain later"; I'm not expecting anything else but something along those lines.

Silly Jessica is silly.

I just don't even know though - the more time goes by, the less sense I'm going to make and I don't want to be spamming him with texts until he answers and I'd rather not be thinking negatively when I hardly have any basis to assume the worst.

*edit* and then at 8:25, he posts on facebook, "i think it might be time to leave home permently". His spelling. Still no response to my text D:

NVM. Now I wish he didn't respond in the first place.

12-21-2011

Well, after the day/night I've been having, it's suffice to say that it was quite the Jessica sort of day, where the random and the "lolwut" occurs often enough for my entire life to be worthy of a sitcom of sorts.

So, I met up with Austin and Sarah and we had all sorts of fun times and discussions. Which, by the way, holy crap. The things I find out after not speaking to them legitimately since August. Holy crap.

And here I thought my  life was complicated.

I ended up going to Steak & Shake with them at 11 at night and then we ran into Austin's friend plus company (which, deer god, these people..) and then Jared and Gabi joined us as well.

Josh, the friend of Austin's friend, Greg, was drunk, so he was spouting WHATEVER, which was funny and this conversation happened.

Manager of S&S: "Okay, who ordered the strawberry peppermint shake?"

Josh: "That would be this guy *pointing at Greg, Austin's friend*, the one that likes dick."

Manager: "and the chocolate shake?"

Josh: "Oh, that's mine."

Manager: "You know, I've seen more women and gay guys ordering the chocolate shake." *walks away*

I was dying from laughter.

My mom got her teeth surgery done, so now she's on a liquid diet. I actually got to see her, because I had my dentist appt today while she was undergoing half the surgery (the other half being at a different location/doctor's office). It was kind of weird - actually, it was just weird. Because I've obviously never seen my mom sans teeth before, but her front teeth and the ones next to it were filed down to points. Kind of like how vampire teeth would look like, but in the front (obviously).

Now, they are perfectly normal teeth, but she's in a lot of pain. She has off until Tuesday to recoup, so I hope she feels better soon. I know the pain of having a procedure done to your teeth - at least, she was offered pain medication, which God knows, she needed, since they had to tamper with the actual nerves and what not.

I really hope Austin figures everything out. There's only so much advice I could possibly give him and it's something that I'd love to talk about with you guys, but it's not really my place to talk about it. I hate moments like this! He's stuck between a rock and hard place and I wish I could help, but I'd only make the situation worse since, ya know, Lizzy probably HATES me.

That awkward moment when your boyfriend texts you about hanging out on Monday and then randomly texts you, "do you think the movie Titanic is cliche?" as well as other texts that made sense for the conversation, so when you reply, "I like the movie", he gets confused, which makes you realize... he was probably asking one of his other friends for date advice, but accidentally sent it to you instead.

BLOGSPOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH GOD I JUST CLICKED TO VIEW THE UPDATED BLOG LAYOUT. DO NOT DO IT.

Why can't I change it back?! I do not like this... it's so WHITE and abnormal.

WHY ARE WEBSITES CHANGING THEIR LAYOUTS? I don't understand D:

This is on par with disturbing as the new Facebook layout, which is creep/stalker as hell.

On the plus side, you can now align your posts as "justify" which is nifty for those of us who prefer symmetry over anything else.

My original intention for this was that on Blayn's wall a bunch of his friends were freaking out and one of the people said, "who the fuck is Jessica?" and I liked it, because I figured it was a joke or being silly. Nope. His ex and someone else liked that question and then I said hi on there. Which caused said girl who asked that question to jump down my throat, reiterate that she's never heard of me before, and then asked if I was born from a dinosaur egg, which made me go ಠ_ಠ

but one of his male friends said that I was way out of Blayn's league and asked him how he managed to pull this one off and accused him of blackmail. It made me happy :D

I'm a dork <3

:D

(before I start, did the set up change.. or is it just me?)

So, I'm officially dating Blayn. I've properly made a fool of myself, but he finds that endearing. He laughs when he's nervous, which led to him laughing for 5 minutes without saying ANYTHING.

I was really skeptical about it and I gave him my ENTIRE list of issues with why I shouldn't date anyone, but like he said, "[he] shot them down like discs at a gun range," or some sort of Blayn-ism. He then proceeded to say he would shoot them down by saying, "OBJECTION!" which thank goodness he didn't, because he's said that far too much.

The way I see it... if a guy spends a majority of his day listening to you talk about your past relationships, hearing the things that have happened, reassuring you that he isn't like that and that he wouldn't ever do that, and does ALL of that for a good four hours without expecting anything or taking advantage of the situation - he's worth taking a chance on. It may not be end-game for me, but he's accepted the fact that I'm easily stressed, awkward, and a goofball, plus he knows how important school is for me. He easily squelched my worries/concerns/fears about it, plus he makes me laugh, and he's awkward in his own way.

He may not be perfect; he may troll & kill jokes faster than the speed of sound; he may aggravate me and he may cause scenes constantly in public; he doesn't have volume control and he's incredibly dense/oblivious. Even with all of these aspects, he's an incredibly optimistic, sweet, and honest dork who takes my verbal barrages as what they are, jokes and terms of endearment.

& maybe I'm getting ahead of myself for talking about him like I really know him, but I can't think of many guys who would get giddy, nervous (+ bouts of giggles/laughter), butterflies in his tummy, and flailing his arms just by me giving him a peck on his cheek randomly. He's an absolute dork, but he might be just what I need right now :D

OKAY.

So here's the deal.

I got to Blayn's at 4:30. He wasn't there because he dropped off Julian, his old roommate, at work. He arrives. We go into his dorm and notice Brian playing Paper Mario, so we watched him. Gina comes over shortly after. We watch him play Paper Mario until the sun goes down.

At 6ish, Gina, Blayn, and I go and get sushi. We come back. Gina leaves. Blayn, Steve, Chris, Brian and I start watching Spongebob. Blayn and I are singing and saying all the dialogue for said Spongebob.

It's 11pm. I'm getting tired. Blayn walks me to my car. He gets all nervous and we stand there idly in the parking lot as he gets the courage to ask his question. I see a shooting star while waiting for him to ask. He says, "do you wanna go out with me?" I say, "what does that mean?" he says, "like boyfriend/girlfriend" I say, "once again, what does that mean? Because I'm not sure I can do all the things that a relationship entails"

I start telling him about my previous history. Julian calls him. Blayn ignores it. I tell him to answer his phone. Julian tells Blayn that Greg is picking him up from work. Julian and Greg live near Blayn, but not in the same building. I tell Blayn that they might drive by while we're discussing whether or not to date. He swears that they drive the other way around.

GUESS WHO DRIVES BY YOU GUYS?

OUR POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP GOT COCKBLOCKED BY JULIAN AND GREG, THE GUY WHO STILL LIKES ME. It's like they fucking knew.

So one thing led to another... I finally leave their dorm at 1:45 or whatever. Blayn gives me a long ass hug in front of everyone. Then Julian makes a comment saying, "so we don't get hugs?" I gave a hug to Julian, Greg, and Chris, because he decided to walk out of their dorm and join the festivities.

Either fucking way, I have to meet with Blayn tomorrow to actually discuss the things. I kept staring at Blayn and I even texted him saying, "I TOLD YOU."

AND SO IT BEGINS! I picture this ending badly. Like... really badly.

Meeting up

with Blayn on Wednesday so he can ask me that thing he meant to ask on Sunday night! I think he's going to ask me out.. or whatever way he'll actually put it, because I'm sure it will be dorky, much like him.

But I already told him that I'm gonna have to talk with him, because obviously if I was to date him, I'd have to make sure he understands everything and why I'll be awkward, because unlike him, I haven't dated a lot of people nor have I ever dated just for fun, so yeah. Wednesday is going to be a giant cluster fuck of crazy, because I have exams from 7:30-1:30 (I'll get out early though) and then I'm going to Cracker Barrel with my lab group and then I have to volunteer at Petco (which is supposed to be my last day but I'm gonna miss the cats so damn much that I'm putting it off - look at my life) and then this Blayn stuff where it's gonna be as srs bsns as any conversation with him can be.

Wish me luck you guys! Not necessarily on my finals, although that's needed too, but moreso to have the strength to actually say what I need to say and not get completely embarrassed about it!

Oh, look, I've got a doctorate

so that automatically makes me better than you uneducated heathens who should bow to my every whim and sense my presence, because I have a doctorate, which makes me fucking special.

I hate people. So so much.

It's one thing to use manners, but if you're gonna be a bitch and wonder why you're not getting respect, I think you know the answer.

Who knew getting a doctorate meant you were so much better than everyone else that you didn't have to be polite? Can't wait til I get to be an asshole to people trying to get an education... oh wait, I wouldn't do that, because I'm not a raging bitch.

This damn school seems to be littered with all sorts of these people and this is when a Death Note would be all sorts of useful.

But seriously, when did we just throw manners out the window? When did we throw out the word "please" and insert commands instead? When did we just start standing idly, glaring at people in our way, rather than just saying, "excuse me?" Is this an old lady nurse trait? I've yet to meet an older female teacher in this program who doesn't have a giant stick up their ass.

I hate that every day I realize how shitty people are and how horrible they are in all spectrums. It's not just the youth that's the problem - it's all these old people too. It's a never ending cycle of assholes. I'll admit to not being perfect and that my temper gets the better of me and that sometimes seeing naive freshmen makes me want to punch them in the face. I get that. But these ladies, people who are getting PAID to teach and PAID to provide us the means to succeed, need to calm down, take a step back, and remember how they felt back in the day when they were in our position.

Do not preach to me about how children these days act like they are entitled to things, when you yourself act like you're entitled to respect. No. That's something you have to earn. Our whole grade in this program is trying and we're struggling. Is it our fault? Maybe. But having teachers and faculty that genuinely do not care, treat us like idiots, and fail to empathize with our situation... that doesn't help anything & that's not even being a good example of what being a nurse is all about.

Progress

Given the comments you guys left and considering I hadn't read them, I find it kind of funny :P

He kissed my face like 50 times- no making out or actual kissing, just pecks, all on his side, because I'm too much of a chicken shit to do that. But I said bye to him like 40 times and gave him super long hugs!

Oh, and I gave him Christmas presents :D A beanie with the life mushroom from mario on it, which is also reversible! and I gave him a chibi Spongebob! His [Spongebob's] eyes were even chibi styled too :D he put that on his bed and he wore the hat the entire time I was over there.

I made him freak out though because we're standing in the parking lot in the middle of the road hugging, when I pulled away and quickly put my forehead against his and asked him, "hey, how much taller are you than me?" He pulled back slightly and said, "wait, what?!" and I said, "I wanna compare heights" so he stood there quietly (SHOCKER! :P) and he's maybe 3 inches taller than me.

Oh, and he was wearing a Death the Kid shirt :D When I told him I started watching it, he got all excited!

But almost even more important than that was I told my mom and she's supportive of it, since I know my dad is going to be a curmudgeon about everything. She actually convinced me to get him the presents, because I kept talking myself out of it. I thought that maybe he already had the beanie, so I almost didn't get that. I bought the Spongebob compulsively, because it's SPONGEBOB. Clearly, I need life to give me a shove before I do anything, which is sad.

I even texted him saying I got him presents and he kept saying I didn't have to. I felt silly, so even just giving him his present, I almost ran off before he even looked at it. I didn't wanna find out if my thought was wasted, because I didn't even consider that maybe he hadn't owned it. So, clearly, I have a long way to go.. if I go that route.

Soon though. Maybe. Perchance.

Super awkward fun time: when we're hugging, it's like intimate hug, so I kind of.. yeah and his shorts weren't of thick material.. and we're both nearly the same height so in close proximities.. yup. Not sure if he knew or maybe he knew and was doing that on purpose, but either way. meannnnnnnnnn

I dream of a day where I'll post quality things.

*edit at 1220am!*

He just texted me saying "theres something I wanted to ask you before you left but i kinda got nervous lol. Ill ask you when I next see you lol"

I'm texting him now and he's like, "you probably already know what I wanted to ask too, don't you?"

So.. needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, the next time I hang out with Blayn is gonna be srs bsns and wouldn't it be funny if it happened to be December 16th? I might quite possibly start dating on the very day that my life changed for the better just last year. crazy~ but I'm obviously gonna say all the things I have to say before I even answer, so the poor guy is gonna hate me by the end of it!

Because I'm silly and myself, is it weird that I don't think I'd date him, because I don't think he's serious about me or the potential of this getting a title?

Yeah? I thought so. The things I think about on a Saturday night when my finals are looming over me, but it's a legitimate thought. I've never seen him be serious about anything before and I'd rather not get hurt if it goes horribly wrong. He's liked me before, but decided to go back out with his ex - I don't think I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to be an after thought or a rebound. I want to be someone's first choice.

He makes me happy and laugh and we have a lot in common, but I guess I'm too scared for the consequences that I probably won't do anything. No one wants to date someone who can't hang out with you, because of classes. I just think I'm no good with relationships, because I can't find a balance. Plus, the last thing I wanna do is be the reason that someone is sad or gets hurt, because I can't do all the stereotypical things that are involved in a relationship.

And here I am, making a blog post about something that hasn't even happened, all because of ONE peck on the cheek. Look at my life. Look at my choices.

Randomly decided to reflect on the fact I was flailing and spazzing out in the computer lab on campus about ALL the manga/anime characters and everything that is Japan yesterday instead of studying, like I ended up doing all last night and this morning.

I actually grabbed the computer at one point and accidentally turned it off, because I got too excited.

My life has never made much sense and my priorities never seem to be in the right places, but boy, do I have fun along the way :D

I'm past the point of knowing what's going on in my life

So this is really bad, but that guy on Tumblr posted pictures of himself when he dressed up. I'm not quite sure WHY he dressed like that, but it was the long sleeve, button up, tie, vest, dress pants, plus douche hat combo. He posted, "I'm sorry, but is it still considered vanity when you look this good?" and usually that sort of cocky behavior is a major turn off, but he actually looks really good, plus one of the pictures was him smirking and, boy, do I love smirks. *cough*GREED*cough*

Anyway.

I, and a million other girls who follow his blog or troll around in the "I'm sexy and I know it" tag (hyperbole), commented and I said, "it's not a bad thing!! it's never wrong to flaunt attractiveness :D"

I didn't expect him to say anything about it and what does this guy do? He sends me an ask saying, "You think I'm attractive? Really? :) Thank youuu. That's really sweet. And, since I like to return favors, I thought you should know that I think you are very attractive as well. :)"

ALL of my recent blogs have been about guys.. and different ones at that. My ovaries really do need to calm down.

*edit*

My ovaries exploded to the point that I've died and there's no possible way of bringing me back. He called my smile perfect. It's a good thing he's not living in Florida.

YOU GUYS.

I think that was actually a legitimate date - from 1:30ish to just now.

We watched The Muppets and it was really cute! At the end, he tickled me and I fell over and he just held me like that, plus he lent me one of his hoodies, because I was cold :)

Then after movie when he took me back home, I was trying to get my keys out and my keys fell apart for some reason, so I freaked out and went to grab them, ran into him as he was walking in front of me, he caught me, I apologized, he held me there, and then when I said goodnight, he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I AM INCAPABLE OF EVEN-ING.

I'll stop ranting and raving when this guy stops being perfect. He bought me a spongebob huggy pillow and spongebob fleece blanket for Christmas when I didn't even know we were exchanging presents. Then he sends me this cutesy ass picture when I said I thought it was cute, so I could make it his contact picture.

Then we quoted Spongebob for 3 hours and then this happened:

Him: "So who would everyone be if we casted them as the characters?"

Me: "you're Spongebob.. hands down!"

Him: "So, I guess that makes you my Sandy then :)"

Then he tried telling me I was Aang from Avatar - at which, I deer god'd, and then he said I was like Ty Lee or whoever. But then when I said I was compared to Toph, he kind of saw the light on that.

Needless to say that I had fun - totally worth not watching Glee or New Girl. Hopefully, my parents have it saved on the DVR still when I go home after tomorrow/later day, because I'm hanging out with him again and we're apparently doing something I've never done before. When he told me that, I said, "how the fuck do you know what I have or haven't done before?" Of course, I said it in a voice, and not entirely serious!! I tried guessing, but he tried to play cool about it.

He also walked me to my door, which is literally two steps away from the parking lot, but still. Cute gesture = major brownie points... as if he didn't have enough.

Sidenote: he also really likes my hair, even though it's a cross between Hermione and a cocker spaniel.

celebratory dinner for my level 2 in Pharmacology? Yay! The fact he suggested it and seems excited for it? ALL THE YAY!

I know I should calm my ovaries/tits, but I can't. I refuse to. I feel like I finally proved my worth to the world by getting that level 2. I made the national average my ho.

I feel like I just defeated the Huns and finally brought honor to my family. It's one thing to have my brother, who's literally a genius and everything I'm not, do so, but I never expected this. I made up this sibling rivalry with my brother ever since I was little and I always compare my achievements to his; my parents never compared us, but you can tell who the favorite is by having all of us in a room together, which is why I've always had high standards for myself.

Bart is the epitome of perfect and maybe you could say that I have a brother complex for thinking that way, but he really is. He makes friends at the drop of a hat; he's not socially awkward at all; he meets all of these celebrities and knows what to say to not freak them out; he's always gotten good grades; he's had the same best friends since elementary school; he's amazing at video games - and this might sound silly, but for any given game that I'm spectacular at, he's 10x better. I would play Super Smash Bros on Gamecube for HOURS trying to get good enough to beat him and I never could. I can beat most people, sans the fanatics, except for Bart, who doesn't even like those games. Same goes for Mario Kart - I'd unlock ALL the characters, the cars, the tracks, EVERYTHING and he'd still annihilate me in a race.

I never felt like what I did was good enough in comparison to him and even though he probably would have done better on the exam than I did (considering he's a pharmacist and all), I feel like for a split second I could step out of his shadow and bask in the spotlight for once.

~get to know Jessica blogs~

Vague Post

I like the feeling of hearing the person's voice when you text them, especially now :D

The guy in question is incredibly silly and I've never met anyone that talks the way he does, so it's really easy to distinguish a text from him over any other person. Ignoring the fact his name is next to the text and all that, of course :P

But apparently, according to Watson, I need to troll around the library computer lab in the early morning to see guys watching anime, because apparently there's enough guys doing this to warrant a constant surveillance of the area. I've already said that if I EVER saw someone, let alone a dood, watching anime, I'd make an unhuman sound and scare them off. My excitement would know no bounds. You guys can attest to that, because you have seen me flail and squee. Imagine my reaction if I saw an attractive, single, straight male watching anime...

my brain right now

Jessica is weird (as usual)

this guy on Tumblr liked a whole shit ton of my posts, posts from 7 months ago that I don't even remember posting, and he started following me, and he likes FMA, he plays video games (currently Skyrim), he likes Star Wars, and he's straight. HE LIVES IN KENTUCKY AND THAT'S WHERE MY BROTHER LIVES. #mygod

I can't tell you how many times I have found attractive guys on Tumblr that like guys and I'm sitting here like, "oh, okay, I'm just gonna stare at your face and wish I was a gay man". I bookmarked a guy's Tumblr, because his face is gorgeous, but that's not a reason to follow someone, especially since he posts weird things, besides his face.

then this girl is liking old posts, as if to see if I'm worth following. When this happens, I feel like I'm being auctioned and I have to show my best qualities in order to get bids. I suppose that makes my Tumblr a prostitute if you looked at it another way. But seriously. DAT GUY though.

He's... perfect. I'm looking at his blog and he's the definition of perfect.

This is why I can never see nice things/people, because then I want them. I want everything that's nice in this world.

Okay

when you say things like, "I wish you were here" RANDOMLY, I don't know what to think and it's almost cruel to do so the night before my exam, which you know I have and you know I'm nervous for it.

It's still cute as hell though :D

Continuation of Before

He makes fun of the fact I waited outside and while I was waiting, I was practicing my head-to-toe assessment on myself.

He drives me crazy, because he can't speak in complete sentences.

He has weird taste in ice cream (cinnamon bun + strawberry. what.)

He makes fun of me for being polite to cashiers and says I talk funny.

He makes messes with ice cream like he's a two year old & when I give him napkins, he uses all of them at one time.

He's completely blind, but he still drove over to take me to get ice cream, which is incredibly dangerous and stupid.

When I told him that I was going to get food when he dropped me off, he actually asked if "we" could go, even though he had prior plans.

He causes a scene anywhere he goes.

He laughs at the most random of things.

I told him to have fun at Winter Wonderland and he told me he'd get me a stuffed animal.

He distracted me from studying, but it was fun & worth it :)

he texted me twice saying how much fun he had and that he's glad I spent time with him. I just cannot even right now :D

Dis guy

Just got a text from the guy previously and he either knows me incredibly well OR he just said whatever would make him feel better if he was in that situation/what normally makes people happy.

Him: "ok lol good luck on it :)"

Me: "thanks :)"

Him: "your welcome lol :)" (god his spelling is bad)

Me: "I didn't do too well :/"

Him: "Don't say that I bet you did exceptional :)"

Me: "nooo I got my results already :/ I missed my goal by 5%"

Him: "I'm sorry :( i know what will help you feel better. ICE CREAM"

Me: "my weakness :P"

Him: "Coldstone? My treat"

Me: "sounds good :)"

We're very smiley oriented texters apparently, but legit. Ice cream always makes me feel better, but that might just be a stereotype & he could have gotten lucky. Too soon to tell!

*edit*

he asked when a good time to go is and I said whenever and he's on his way now!!!!

Even if he's just being a nice guy, it's still highly appreciated :D