These are horrid times

I hate the smell of bleach, nothing about it is good. It just reminds me of pain and sadness. I cleaned today since I didn't stay at his house. My room is cleaner and my bathroom is spotless. I wish life could be like that, where if there was a mess or any blemish from the past, you could just clean it away and it'd be gone forever. I'd be a lot happier if that were the case, because I just hide the imperfections of the past underneath my happiness. Once my happiness is wiped away, I'm left with the stains, the scars, the insecurities of then. I clean when I don't know what else to do as a means to preoccupy myself from doing anything stupid, when I'm past the point of knowing what I can or can't do.

Things that used to come naturally to me don't anymore. I've changed: maybe for the better, but definitely for the worst and I hate who I am now. Someone that's so scared of everything because she feels unbalanced. Someone that needs to be happy to avoid the pain. Someone so painfully dependent on someone else that she doesn't know what to do when alone anymore. Someone who's willing to subject herself to pain because she doesn't know any better. Someone who doesn't know what to believe when she's told two things.

I'd give anything to erase everything and go back to how and who I used to be. But there isn't enough bleach in the world to do that and nobody really cares anyway.

"There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy." (Dante)

Oh boy, you left me speechless

(technically I'm seven in the picture, but this works)

I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonalds and think it's the best place to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa or Rudolph on the roof. I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips. I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is great. I want to believe anything is possible. Sometime while I was maturing I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, starving children, battered wives, death, unhappy marriages, and abused children. I learned of the unhappiness that exists and the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for an escape from the things I should be doing. I want to think answering the phone is a privilege not a pain in the neck, and that the bus rides are fun regardless of where I am going, not an inconvenience because I could have driven there faster by car. I want to live not knowing the little things I find exciting will not always make me happy as when I first learned them. I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of things which directly concern me. I want to be looking at the picture of life so closely that I can only see the people directly around me- family and friends- as the people who concern me, unaware of the power of government and the possibility I have of being insignificant. I want to be naive enough to think that if I am happy so is everyone else. Because by being aware, you take on responsibility, the responsibility to act or to know you didn't and live with the consequences. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand under my bare feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea-glass that I am looking for. I long for the days when while I walked down the beach, it was the only thing I thought of. But those days are gone. I am destined now to walk the beach always thinking other thoughts, worrying other worries, reliving memories good and bad that the beach reminds me of, enjoying the view and air but never completely removing myself from the thinking, worrying, and rethinking that is always going on inside of me. I want to be six again, happy to be alive yet unaware of what life really is, for that matter unaware of what happiness really is. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and attempting to ride my bike, letting the grown ups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the car's battery. I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, not to worry about what I'm going to do after graduation. It's not that I want to live my life over again, I'm basically happy with how things turned out--so far anyway. Rather, I want to be able to escape but not have to pay for it later. I want to be able to visit my six year old state of mind, play in my six year old state of mind, and swim in my six year old state of mind. Life was good then but I didn't know enough to realize it. I was so anxious to grow up I spent time I should have enjoyed being young acting older. I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape so that when I have a computer program, six reading assignments, two depressing friends, and second thought about my major, I can travel back and build a snowman without thinking about anything except why the snow sticks together and what I could possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

Kicking it Old School

Like Helium and Hydrogen, with just two, just two ♥

I love burrowing owls. They are incredibly cute! I regret to say though that I've missed the 7th Annual Burrowing Owl Festival this year - I've never been to a single one but right when I saw the advertisement, I got really excited! They are so adorable with their little bodies and their little cute eyes that stare at you as you drive by. You can't forget how cute they look when they fly too, or when they are all standing in their hole looking around for any enemies like the puppies running amok.

But what I find most intriguing about them is that I believe they have created an underground city underneath Cape Coral with tunnels connecting into a massive space near Ricky's house. I believe that this is their headquarters for the Great Owl Council, a governmental system within the owls. A hole is always being guarded by one owl at all times by his house in order to protect their leader! I hope to one day be an admitted member of the Council and be able to sit in on one of their meetings. It would quite possibly be the cutest thing I would ever see =)

"Intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings." (Salvador Dali)

a curious cat and a pug nosed pup!

For whatever reason, I researched a childhood movie today that I adored: Milo and Otis. It was in an attempt at not going completely crazy from studying Chemistry (which I will either do sorta good in, or incredibly bad in. The teacher is so sporatic about testing). Needless to say, I ended up watching the first 20 minutes of the movie, which still made me laugh and smile and in general make me feel all the emotions I did when I was younger.


I hope one day to be able to find that movie on DVD so I can share it with my kids when I have them. I'm sure they would love a movie that is so incredibly cute with both dogs and cats as friends =)


"I love you a bushel and a peck!" (Guys and Dolls)

I wish I was in a band =(

I'm the kind of girl who kicks the soda machine because it ripped me off. The kind who skips with friends in the mall, just because. The kind who can always win an argument because I start to get illogical. The kind who likes to get noticed. The kind who is afraid of everything, but won't admit it. The kind who will hug you without knowing your name. The kind who will talk for hours on the phone when you might not even be there. The kind who doesn't order a salad on any dates. The kind who doesn't really know who she is, but will never forget what she isn't. The kind who has a hard time letting go. The kind who has OCD traits and just wants everything to be perfect. The kind who wants to find the one, and thinks that she may have. The kind who listens to the rules and follows them; for the most part, anyway. And most of all, I'm the kind of girl who wants to change the world: one smile at a time =)

"Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask,

'Is it all worth it?'

And then a voice says,

'Who are you talking to?'

And another voice says,

'You mean, to whom are you talking?'

And I say,

'No wonder I lie awake at night.'" (Charlie Brown)

You're the one who's out of this world

I really miss being around when Ricky plays the bass! I feel like there's an inexplicable void in my life when I don't get to hear him practice his percussion bass, Paco. No matter how many times I may request that he may deign my ears with his melodious music, he always says okay but then he fails to acquiesce my request!!! It used to be something I really enjoyed and it's not like I ever got to sit in on his band practices, except a couple of times.

I'm pouting =/

Rob Wilco: "I got 20 bucks that say you can't finish that."

Bucky Katt: "Listen, I'm not intimidated by you OR your freakish talking money." (Get Fuzzy)

Me and my old pal Monday

Don't you hate it when you can't think of anything to write, so you just end up rambling for who knows how long, talking about who knows what, and then no one ends up caring because you've said literally nothing of substance within the last five minutes of you typing, but you never stop to consider how the poor reader must feel when they have to read your dribble, when you just can't stop and realize that no one really cares that much?

Yeah, me too.

"A bad writer is just a good writer with writer's block." (Bucky Katt)

In fact, it was a little bit frightening

Apparently when anything monumental happens in Florida, although rare it is, I will always consistently miss it.

I finally saw my first alligator at FGCU on Friday after living on campus since August. When there were meteor showers, I apparently didn't notice them or slept through them. When there was a blue moon, I couldn't even tell it was blue, let alone any different from the other moons because I didn't see it soon enough. And then tonight, there was a sonic boom from a shuttle take-off that made a huge noise and shook houses.

What was I doing at the time? Driving. I didn't hear anything or feel anything. I feel like I'm getting jipped =(

(Who knew there are two different spellings for the word jipped/gipped. I prefer the j one better for obvious reasons =P )

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time." (Calvin & Hobbes)

Save the date

June 3rd, or the 9th depending on if we go right away or wait till then, 2011 will be an epic day. I just found out tonight what will be happening then and I honestly can't wait. I thought waiting for my books to come out was rough, but this will be even rougher!

In celebration of what would then be our 3rd year of hanging out/dating, it would be a lot of fun and kinda cute =)

assuming he would want to still be with me and all, of course.

"Calvin: See any UFOs?
Hobbes: Not yet.
Calvin: Well, keep your eyes open, they're bound to land here sometime.
Hobbes: What will we do when they come?
Calvin: See if we can sell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser." (Calvin & Hobbes)

I wish

My grandma and I have been pen-pals, or at the very least e-mail pals, since I became really addicted to the computer. Since roughly freshmen year, I've e-mailed her daily, only saving our e-mails since 2008. Her responses have always been a sort of pick-me-up when the rest of the world seemed out to get me; it was like she always knew what to say to make me feel better when I didn't think I could.

Recently, she sent me this:

"Sweetheart, you are a jewel in yourself .... way beyond the norm in

your thinking and perception and caring and devotedness! The guy

who sees that in your character and personality will be blessed

beyond any other gift you could give him! You are so sweet and your

thoughtfulness is so intrinsically sincere!"

^^ I hope I can find a guy like that ^^

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." (Marilyn Monroe)

Tanuki!

Just saw Book of Eli with Ricky, Eileen, Hannah, and Kevin and it was a lot of fun =) The movie was pretty cool and it's the first time in a long time that I've seen a movie in a group sort of setting - last time was when Batman: The Dark Knight came out, and that was eons ago =P

It made me confused with some aspects of the plot and my curiosity can never be quenched. So I will forever ponder what happened. All I know is that Eileen has raccoons just walking around near her house and that National Guard commercials are the longest clips (if you can even call them that) ever.

"Give, it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return." (Bible)

Do you believe in hallucinations?

So I typed in pictures onto google images and this is what I found. I thought it was cute compared to the weird pictures that came before it. That is all =]

"Oh, wouldn't the world seem dull and flat with nothing whatever to grumble at?" (W.S. Gilbert)

Continuation of Previous

So maybe Nickelodeon isn't too far off with the Spongebob episodes as of late. The new episode, which I missed due to failure on Nickelodeon's part to correctly play episodes according to the schedule broadcasted, was replayed again tonight. I missed the first 5 minutes, but it wasn't that gross and it reminded me why I like Spongebob so much. I hope one day I can buy the volumes of the series, but I'm gonna wait it out since there's a gazillion of them =/

"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice." (Steven D. Woodhull)

One of my biggest complaints about Nickelodeon is the fact that the schedule does not coincide with the actual shows being aired at the time. Tonight for example with the new Penguins of Madagascar "special" (a whole different topic altogether) the guide for Nickelodeon said that SpongeBob would be on before the actual Penguins episode. What happened? Fanboy and Chum Chum was on before Penguins under the guise of being a Spongebob episode making it so I never got to see the new Spongebob tonight.

Nickelodeon has been doing this all day, except maybe in the morning but I stopped watching it around 10. I hate when television programs are sending mixed signals because it doesn't make me want to watch the show. No wonder they might pull Spongebob off the air. Nobody knows when the show's actually on anymore.

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create that fact." (William James)

I'm Lost Without You ♥

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone got to spend it with their loved ones, whether that's a S.O or friends and family. To me the significance of Valentine's Day isn't about receiving presents and jewelry; I wish society treated Valentine's Day the way it's supposed to be treated. Not as a commercialized holiday (although what isn't anymore, ie. Christmas) but rather as a time to show our appreciation towards the people we care about through our words and actions. Valentine's Day shouldn't just be once a year, it should be everyday. Why do people need an excuse to tell the person they love how they feel? Everyone should want to tell those people how much they truly mean to you.

In honor of celebrating this cause, my boyfriend and I are celebrating Valentine's Day Japan style: Valentine's Day, I gave Ricky presents and White Day (March 14th) Ricky could give me presents. I think guys deserve some sort of equality when it comes to holidays, and it worked out really well today =)

What would have made Valentine's Day all the more epic though? If the Spongebob episode with the screaming chocolate guy was on - that would have been perfect =)

"The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life." (Sir Hugh Walpole)

And then I saw a turtle ♥

I think if I could be any type of animal, I would pick some sort of cat. They are the most bizarre and eccentric animals; one moment they are laying peacefully and lazily on the floor, then the next minute they jump up and pounce to another part for no reason. This happened during a visit to the pet store, and I just busted up laughing because the cat was so goofy =) I love when cats do things like that because it's not what people are expecting. I like cats' predictable unpredictability.

Don't get me wrong, dogs are also high on my favorites list. But it's something about cats that just automatically draws me in - it could be the fact I'm more like a cat than I am a dog. I sleep a lot, and when it comes to going out, I either wanna go out or I'd rather just lay around all day. I have the oddest behaviors and sometimes get into these moods where nothing I do or say makes sense. For instance, one night after watching an episode of Ni Hao, Kai-lan, I started watching the show after it, Yo Gabba Gabba, and I could not stop laughing at all to the point that both Ricky and his dad were concerned because they hadn't heard me laugh that hard before. I don't know why exactly I was laughing, but it was one of my more bizarre moods where everything is hysterical (no drugs necessary).

"We're all a little weird. Life's a little weird. When you find someone whose weirdness is compatible with yours, you fall into mutual weirdness together." (Robert Fulghum)

PCR

In honor of the rendition of "We are the World" remix #2234 from tonight's opening for the Winter Olympics. Speaking of which, I only recognized maybe 10 people out of the 30+ people that were in that song - I thought you had to be famous in some aspect to be a part of that music video and usually famous people are well known, like around the world. I doubt Justin Bieber, who started the song, is that famous anywhere else except in preteen America, and I don't know why.

"Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them -- a desire, a dream, a vision." (Muhammad Ali)

Write it all Down

Everyone has a certain part of their lives, where they truly wish they could just freeze time. Whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come. Whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer. Everyone has a time in their life, when they wish everything would just stop. The world would stop turning, and people would stop changing. Because to them, at that time, everything was perfect. The streetlights fading, the pavement slick from the summer pour. Car soaked in silence, the night creeps in while my heart beats soar.

"I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year." (The Notebook)

And then I got high..

^ random picture from the internet

One thing that I find really annoying? People who do drugs or get drunk for a good time. Do you people seriously have no other redeeming qualities about yourselves that you need a stimulant or a depressant to make you "exciting" or "interesting to be around"? I don't understand the thrill of it, and maybe it's because I haven't done either of the two, but I honestly think it's because people have nothing better to do. I'd much rather think they are just bored than believe that a majority of the world is just that boring or bland of a person that they need something to be fun.

Just put music on around me and I'll have fun. Does that make me a boring person because I don't need alcohol or weed to have a good time? No, it doesn't. So why do people do that? So they can wake up in other people's beds and giggle about it over Facebook? I really don't understand.

On the radio, there was a commercial about the fact parents can buy drug tests for their kids from the local CVS, and I just thought to myself, "I hope every parent buys one and tests their kid so they can also find out how boring and stupid their child is. Their kid is probably in middle school and is drinking already, might as well test them now so it's not a surprise later in life when they do stupid shit like drinking and driving." Harsh? Maybe.

Another thing I don't understand? The obsession with Bob Marley. Oh, you're so original and unique for liking Bob Marley - I could hardly notice the blazed expression on your face that made it obvious you smoke marijuana. You're so clever for indirectly saying you like weed, you deserve some kind of medal for your outstanding achievement in life by fooling everyone with your smarts that are slowly dying off every time you take a puff.

I can't wait till people grow up and learn to stop acting so stupid.

"You reap what you sow." (Proverb)

Pass it On

Thursday is some Facebook event that is called "Tell her she's beautiful" and I'm going to participate it, even if I may not approach everyone and say that. Some people deserve a hello and some recognition in the world, to feel like they are noticed and appreciated even if only one person acknowledges what they do. I'm going to consider it a sort of Thanksgiving, since who really gives thanks on Thanksgiving anymore. I'm thankful for everyone that's in my life, both strong ties and weak ties, even ties that I barely have. I hope everyone can be happy with who they are on the inside, because that's what makes everyone beautiful ♥

"It’s laughing with your friend at a time when you shouldn’t. It’s the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. It’s being touched by hands that aren’t your own. It’s the thrill of an escape that almost wasn’t. It’s the embarrassment you feel, naked for the first time. It’s helping a friend find something they lost. It’s a smile, a joke, a song. It’s what someone does that they like doing. It’s what someone does that they like remembering. It’s the thinking of things you may never do and the doing of things you may never have thought. It’s the road ahead and the road behind. It’s the first step and the last and every one in between, because they all make up the good life." (The Good Life)

Leave Your Roost

Sometimes, I think all of us are just birds that roam and fly free, until one day something happens and we're captured by the moment or someone cages us. I think the cage is more of a mental thing rather than a physical one though, that maybe we are the ones holding ourselves back rather than everyone else or our circumstances. Boundaries may be a state of mind and only when we free ourselves from that mental block can we really soar. Maybe none of us know what it truly means to be free when our minds aren't.

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." (Chinese Proverb)

Pardoxer

I always say that I don't need people, or that I don't miss people that were in my life or were more so in my life than they are now. I always say that I don't care seeing old faces ignore me, look past me, or avoid eye contact with me.

But the truth of the matter is, none of that is true. I'm practically the biggest softy ever, to quote Ms. Day, sort of. She called me a softy, and that's about as much of a citation she's gonna get out of me at 11 at night. All of those little things that I pretend to be apathetic or indifferent about really hurts me. Every time I see someone I know and I see them blatantly ignoring my existence it's like someone's squeezing my heart like one of those de-stressing sand balls (which I don't find unstressing - might be because I hate sand. Anywho..)

And every time it happens to me, (the rare occasions it does), along with the pain comes the recognition that "Yeah, I deserve that" feeling. I don't think I'm perfect or a decent person in some aspects. Maybe, me wishing things could stay how they used to be is selfish because it's not like I really tried in the past. The feeling of being left behind sucks when all you see is everyone moving forward while I'm looking around wondering where my "friends" are at.

Yeah, I'm bitter. I don't make sense. I want one thing, but when the opportunity to have it comes my way, I shy off from that and avoid it. I'm a walking contradiction that's holding onto sand that's trying to slip through my hands, and I won't stop to realize I can't hold onto that forever. By the time I realize my sand is gone, it's too late for anything.

Except maybe in the end, out of the giant sand clump I've been carrying I find three tiny pebbles that didn't slip away. All I can hope for is that the pebbles won't be deceiving clumps of sand, but a genuine rock that I could count on. I don't know if I could handle finding a dud.

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." (Winnie the Pooh)

Keep On, Keeping On

Cho Cho, my trusty stead, seems to be having fuel tank issues =( Please be okay! I don't wanna have to send you to the dealers so they can change you and make you (more) foreign!

"Endeavor to persevere" (Mrs. Dakin)

Chemistry ate my HTML

Ironic - once I saw how huge and blurry this picture was I wanted to delete it. After having a terribly long, depressing day filled with chemistry, I thought I would commemorate with a periodic table. Now it won't go away no matter what. Thank you, Chemistry, for haunting not only my feeble mind as I drive at night, but also my blog.

*insert witty quote here because I'm way too tired to try*

Case of Melancholia

... but in a good way of course. If there's one thing I really miss from high school and in general, it's being on stage performing. I always loved doing it - memorizing was so much fun to me and being able to read scripts and portray the character was something I enjoyed. Sure, my affinity for Ms. Day, the witch of the theatre, may have influenced my love for all that is theatre - even this is an understatement. I love going back to the Anderson Theater and remembering all the play practices, all the funny moments backstage and during auditions, all the high school drama (no pun intended, of course =P), and just all of the little words of advice Ms. Day would give us about life in general. I really wish I could go back and just stay in high school forever so I can be around her more and do what I like doing.

I'm such a complicated, complex person that I don't know if I'll ever find an occupation that actually pleases me through and through =/

"The stage was our school, our home, our life." (Lillian Gish)

Panda Bears

After a day where I felt somewhat hopeless and "Eeyore-like", a description Ricky gave me after having to deal with me this morning, I went onto the Internet and saw a clip about 16 baby pandas moving into a nursery school. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I've even seen, making me want to be a baby panda caretaker - if there even is such a job solely dealing with that. I love plushy, fluffy, cuddly animals so much. Scratch that, I just love animals in general. Ever since I was little and I would see an animal I really liked, I swore to myself that I would one day own them all - it was kind of my real life Pokemon project. I was always jealous of Sigfried and Roy for having tigers living in their mansion; jealous of Princess Jasmine for having a pet tiger as BA as Rajah. I wanted my own Beethoven after seeing the movies and wished I could have been the little girl that could play with him and his puppies. I wanted a duck ever since Joey and Chandler adopted one. With such a misfit list of animals, I always figured I would never be able to have all of them; maybe I could have some of them and a majority of the harmless, acceptable pets. Due to this fact, I have my heart set on obtaining a tiger; a baby panda is slowly making its' way up the list though.

"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms." (George Eliot)

Running on Empty

I don't know whats more exhausting:

• the amount of work that's piling up in the corner, which is slowly going away (as it's been added to, of course)
• the drives from campus to elsewhere
• trying to do a blog for each day of the year, even though I started at a random date
• the stress from never knowing what's going on, whether I get called into work or lose time (I don't mind losing time, well, I do mind, but it's something I'm able to adapt to if I know in advance)
• the fact it feels like I never sleep enough so I spend any down time I get snuggled in bed sleeping all day.

Curse having a computer literally four feet away from the bed.

"The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can't get there, is the meanest feeling in the world." (Edgar Watson Howe)

Piano Piece

"Caged Bird" by Shunichi Miyamoto

If ever there was a song that has inspired me more or brought me to tears within the first few minutes like this one, I would be shocked. I've spent a long time trying to find the music sheets for this piece, and attempted to learn how to play the piano just so I could play this song. Everything about it is so incredibly beautiful: I love the emotion in the singing, I love the beautiful transitions. Everything about the music speaks out to me, and I think that's what's music purpose really is: to speak to people, no matter what culture or ethnicity, and create a catharsis. These lyrics inspired the URL for this journal and it has been my favorite song since 2005. I hope these lyrics reach out to you wherever you are and remind you that you are not alone.