And Isn't It Ironic..

Because my life works best with a smidge of irony --

This year kicked off with my parents thinking I was living in an Honors dorm - I still think they think that too, but maybe they don't. Who knows. They were so proud that I was that they would tell everyone they saw, whether it be family or friends of theirs or random people. Well, to rectify this horrible situation I had strung together for fear of dashing my parents' hopes and dreams, I applied to the Honors program. Twice. The first time I was immediately rejected, no interview or anything. Second time, I got accepted. I couldn't wait to tell my parents, so I texted them the news in a flurry and I got big congratulations. Then I got home.

What I thought was going to be a parade of exaltation from my dad was just him saying, "what's the point?" How am I supposed to answer that question? "I wanted to make you guys proud, maybe save some money. Register for classes early so I can possibly finish school faster?" I didn't say that, but seriously.

It figures I'd get something prestigious and adult only to have my dad reiterate that I'm a college student whose allowed to have a life. My life is giant misunderstanding, because I don't know what my parents want from me and I don't know what I want for myself.

Now I have to either figure out if I could handle the Honors Program and all the responsibilities that accompany it OR rig it so they have to kick me out of the Program and risk them not ever accepting Nursing majors again. I'd love to be able to go to the Honors people and speak to them mano y mano, but I'd just be at a loss of words. "Hey, I wanna resign from the Program, even though I was just accepted, because I'm a quitter." I even told my dad that it'd set a bad precedent and that being in the Program helps my chances of getting into the Nursing Program, which I'd have to do again to get into the Masters Program. It's like speaking to a brick wall: it serves no purpose, except I get to hear myself talk.

I'm gonna meet with an adviser eventually, whether it's my pre-Nursing adviser or the Honors people to get this shit sorted out. I'm all for personal growth and experiences, but Nursing is going to be hard enough as it is. I'm not sure I could juggle whatever Honors classes I'd have to take when I'm going to be focusing on Nursing courses. I might be a super studier, despite being incredibly lazy, but I'm not a superhero who can do EVERYTHING imaginable.

I Hope You Read This

and know that this is the last time I'll ever speak of you.



You know what amazes me about people? Maybe this goes back to my whole flaw where I give people the benefit of the doubt despite having irrefutable evidence that says otherwise, but I'm amazed at people's immaturity.

I'm not saying they can't be bubble blowers or jelly fishers or Spongebob enthusiasts like myself, but there's something wrong when in a serious situation, you can't be serious or even attempt to.

Detailed description--
I received a call from Ricky apparently awhile ago and my phone never told me, because my phone rarely tells me anything of value unless it's a text or a twitter update. Well, he sounded like it was something important, something even life-threatening, and I figured, "what the hell *shrug* why not call back just to be civil and... adult?" I called and received a phone conversation that went a little something like this:

*phone is picked up on the other end but no response*
Me: "..Hello?"
Him: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi??"
Him: "Who is this?"
Me: "..........."
Him: "Calm down, I know who this is."
Me: "........."
Him: "Hello?"
Me: "HELLO."
*I hang up the phone*

Seriously. I call you and you wanna play a game with me like I have all this time in the world to dick around? Like my phone call to you was indicative of me wanting you back, so thus you have all the power in the world to treat me like an idiot?

No. I'm not calling you back. No. I don't wish to talk to you anymore. I wanted to be civil towards you and hear what you could have POSSIBLY had to say after everything that's happened, and you treat my phone call like a fucking joke. No. I'm not putting up with these games anymore.

I'm surrounded by friends that actually care about me and my life is filled with amazing possibilities for my future. Where are you in that spectrum? Hanging out with people who really don't give two shits about you and will most likely follow into their bad habits? Sorry. Not my cup of tea, not my lifestyle, ergo neither are you.

Your immaturity today hammered in the last nail on the coffin that is "us," so congratulations.

You can be immature as much as you want, but being immature in every facet of your life won't get you anywhere. You have to be able to be serious about something, and if you can't be serious about your friendships/past relationships then no one is going to want your company. Simple as that.

I respect Watson enough as a person to be able to admit that he's a friend, even if it pains me to admit that due to our vitriolic nature. I respect my fallen friendships enough to realize that people move on and things change. I respect my family for not always being there when I need them the most, but you know what? I treasure each person in my life as someone that's important to me or my development. To think I actually treasured you as someone who was so "special" and "different" sickens me like no other. I hope you read this too. You can leave me as many voice mails as you'd like with random laughter in the background, but I'm not answering or responding.

You can fuck up your own life and deal with its consequences. I will play no part in it.

#noshame

I have a bruise on the top of my hand and I don't know why or where it came from.

But that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about the fact that I am unequivocally, irrevocably, and undoubtedly just like Kurt.

I'm not a guy, but I do like guys. I'm not as fashion forward, but I don't dress entirely scrubby.

However, after seeing Austin's plays tonight, I can say with such conviction that I am Kurt.

I can't even elaborate on that for fear of losing face and credibility as a semi-serious blogger with lapses of insanity and other trivial emotions. This cannot be one that I explode all over the interwebz.. especially since this is attached to my name and other forms of social networking.

I will however continue this post uncensored somewhere else in a mysterious location that NO ONE, except for JessN., knows about because that's how I roll. Mysteriously!

Life Lessons

were learned last night as we progressed into Natalie's birthday, among them are these precious gems:

• "Boyfriends are boring."
• "Boyfriends are like spare tires. You should always keep on one the side just in case your main one breaks."
• having problems in a relationship? No matter how trivial it is, such as he won't kiss me goodnight, "you should just break up with him and say 'NEXT VICTIM!'".
• if you don't use PAM, then the cake falls apart very easily.
• it's the thought that counts, even if the cake looks like it was constructed from a two year old - it is still after all a cake.
• lighting 18 candles even though it was her 20th birthday struck me as odd, but I said nothing, because the cake experience was already going so swimmingly.
• when lighting the candles, it helps to start from the inside and going outwards, otherwise you will burn yourself no matter what you do.
• only brave boyfriends will stick their hand in the burning ring of fire to pick up a candle that fell in the middle (like I said, these lessons will forever stick in my mind).
• it helps to light the candles when you know the recipient is on their way, so as to reduce the amount of wax that falls on the cake.
• it's the one time of the year where you can nag someone to do something because "it's your birthday"
• jokes are infinitely more funny if it's in another language, as demonstrated by Pez who cannot speak English yet laughed at every joke.

And to conclude with the most important lesson learned: cake tastes great no matter how shoddily it was prepared.

Birthday Ideas?

The only thing worse than knowing on Christmas that you're going to get a bunch of things that don't even apply to your personality, like getting 10 things of varying colors of lip gloss *facepalm*, is getting someone a birthday present when societal norms dictate you should.

I already made the mistake of not buying my roommates Christmas presents. Boy, was that awkward when I opened presents they gave me and couldn't give them anything. I definitely know I'm getting her something, but I'm at a loss of what to get. What do girls even like? Seriously. I don't even know. I mean, they gave me standard Christmas presents, like bath stuff, candles, lotion. None of those really scream, "Birthday!" to me though.

When it was my other roommate, Victoria's, birthday I made her something. It was like a wallpaper/poster with her name on it and cute pictures pasted onto it. It was honestly really creative and cute, in my opinion. I can't really do the same thing for Natalie though. I'm pretty sure that's a faux pas just like not gifting on Christmas is.

But really. What do you give a girl who is the solar opposite of myself? I'm not going to troll around Coach just to get something she either doesn't need or something she already has, ignoring the fact that Coach ANYTHING is hilariously overpriced. I don't wanna give her jewelry, because that feels weird. "Oh, I thought this would look good on you." Yeah. That's not weird. That roommate movie already has my roommates on edge as it is.

No matter what I give her, I'm pretty sure my present will fall under the "Aw, you shouldn't have. No, really. You shouldn't have" category of presents.

If she was a guy, this would honestly be a walk in the park for me. My mentality and interests are more like that of a guy, rather than the EXTREME femme that makes up my roommates. Maybe I have a wonky X chromosome that looks kind of like a Y if you squint. Maybe it's because I emulated my father and brother to the point of refusing to wear a shirt up until the age of 4 when we were at home.

Regardless, I have 3 days to think up a present for Natalie AND a week to plan out my Valentine's Day spending/plans. I'm not doing anything on VDay, except for delivering parcels to the few, the proud, the Marines. But seriously, only one person is getting something remotely legit and everyone else will be receiving something that I have yet to plan out.

Life, you're being amazing right now, but I wish I had more time in the day to plan these things out, so when the time comes, I won't fall on my face so hard.

*Facepalm*

I have to document this moment, so if I ever forget what the most AWKWARD moment of my life was, I'll be able to remember that this is my Crowning Moment of Awk. It's so awkward that I don't even get the ward part attached to it.

Before we get started, I don't like to pry into people's personal lives. It's actually one of my least favorite things to do, because it's awkward enough having to ASK, but then you have to worry if you come off as some kind of creep that wants to know these sorts of things. It's made worse when the person you want to ask is in a transitory phase where you're not sure what the relationship is. It sounds worse than it actually is. BRIEF HISTORY SYNOPS = completely inseperable best friends -> rarely talking -> hanging out all the time. Clearly we aren't where we used to be, so I'm wary on how to act, considering it's been basically 3 years of not talking much.

*sigh*

I don't even know how to even segway into this conversation WITHOUT being creep/awkward.

My friend's ex came up in conversation and we've talked about her before. I've met her. ish. She was the only person who didn't speak to me or attempt to speak to me, which I thought spoke wonders about who she was. But then again, who am I to judge? Oh right, I'M A FUCKING DRAGONBORN CHAMPION. But that's a different story.

So he's talking about her and I decided to ask who broke up with whom. It's a fair question, albeit weird since I'M asking it. I get a brief and vague backstory, but then again a guy never knows why they break up when they do, so it's explainable. Well anyway, after that question, it led to a tailspin of other information, which I didn't know how to respond to. He said, "Yeah, well my mom never really liked her." What did I say? "Well, moms usually have a good sense about that sort of thing, I guess." 'WHAT THE FUCK, JESSICA,' I think. We pull up to my car and he's still kind of talking about it. There's a brief lull in conversation and I chime in with this witty line: "Ha, yeah, sorry about asking such an awkward question." Here's how the rest went -

Him: "What did you say??"
Me: "sorry that was awkwar- uhm. ha ha. never mind forget I said anything." (I literally said, ha. ha. I'm so idiotic when I speak sometimes)
Him: "Did you say it was an awkward question?"
Me: "uhm yeah, but don't worry about it! So uhm, thanks for the ride. Bye!"

I get into my car and contemplate smashing my forehead into the steering wheel. I couldn't stop thinking about it as I drove behind his vehicle. Seriously? Did that really just occur? There's nothing more awkward than when someone brings attention to it. I've NEVER done that before. Among the other weird things I've said tonight, like that mom's intuition line or probably having a weird face when he was texting during the party which caused him to apologize for texting when we got in the car, I'm pretty much on an Awkward Turtle roll.

I've never felt more weird/bizarre in my life. Let's ignore the fact the party was in Cape Coral and I haven't been there in a good 3 months for good reasons. The fact the party was off Cultural Park heightened it. I bet that's why I was so awkward. Yeah, I'm just gonna chalk it up to that and NOT the fact that whilst driving he decided to take his shirt off to change into another one while I'm sitting there, and definitely NOT the fact that the only line of music I can remember is, "I'm a woman hear me roar." Thank God, I wasn't more awkward, otherwise I probably would have roared or made some lame joke about how I'm a Leo and Leos go rawr. Also chalk it up to the fact that this whole moment occurred after midnight, a time in which I cannot be held responsible for my follies.

I guess I should count my blessings that I made it safely home and didn't get attacked by zombies. Yeah. I'll leave it on that positive note.

*deep breath*

I can't bring myself to delete a lot of things that I know I should like old messages on Facebook. There's no good memories from them, especially ones from 2008-2009, but I can't delete them. It's like I have to keep them as a reminder of the shitstorm I subjected myself to or like as proof that I'm not some heartless bitch for acting so.. well.. heartless. It's also because if I do start dating again, I want a prime example of what NOT to do for the next guy I entrust my existence to. Seriously, I can't think of any other perfect examples of all the negative qualities that I don't want.

I almost want to print them out and store them away somewhere out of sight, so I can whip out a shoe box of horrible memories for whoever is brave enough to read them. It could be like a Survivor challenge: whoever can stomach to read ALL of them gets the reward. I'm not sure what the reward will be, but I doubt anyone would want to read pages upon pages or hear stories upon stories of the horrid times.

The only way to proceed forward is to stop looking at the past, but how do you do that when the past holds so much unresolved weight?

Read me

Disclaimer: You can completely disregard this post if you dislike reading long things, because this will indeed be long; however, because I'm sure a majority of people would agree with what I'm about to say, it's highly suggested that you do read it.

The concept of change perplexes me in so many ways. Seriously just think about it. I had an amazing group of friends my sophomore year of high school - where are they now? Let's see. Due to MANY different circumstances the group has fizzled off, mostly due to, in my opinion, when I started dating, and also primarily because we all separate paths school wise and life wise.

I'm gonna drop names, not because I'm super raging pissed, but only to prove my point. Take Sarah for instance. We were the BEST of friends sophomore-senior year, but by the time senior year rolled around we kind of fizzled. We would talk, but it didn't feel the same. After high school when she moved away to go to college, our communication went from "eh, does she really want to talk to me or am I forcing her to?" to "wow. I guess I was forcing her to." The drop was ASTOUNDING to me, because I thought she was going to be a strong friendship to this day, rather than a memory or some acquaintance at best. The couple of times I've tried talking to her on FB have either been ignored, skipped over, or immediately cut off, which doesn't make me want to keep trying.

Now just think how many relationships you've lost over the course of your life. Probably a lot. Think of all the gains you've experienced. I hope you have a lot. It feels like a give-take system, but what if it doesn't have to be? Is that even possible to network that efficiently so no one feels like a social terrorist? And let's just say, you haven't experienced as much gains as you have losses, then what?

Yes, I feel like I've gained some people since high school graduation, but have I really? I've tried, tried and tried to keep contact with people I've had classes with that are really awesome and they always fail. If they wanted to see me, they would make attempts too, right? So can these people be really called a gain? I haven't had best friend slots filled, especially not now. I mean the closest thing to a best friend I have right now would be Tito and that's saying something.

I love my life, my legit friends, my family, and my roommates are really chill. I'd go so far as to say I love them too, because they make me feel appreciated, even if it was just because I wasn't emo/a smoker, but still. I over-analyze and question things that shouldn't be questioned, like "what if the friendships I have now crumble like before?" & "what if these relationships are built based on wants and not needs?"

If I wanted a may-weather friend, I'd befriend a dying animal.

I lost my train of thought. ANYWAY. It's just mind-blowing how much change can literally happen in the span of a year or even 2. I don't have anyone to confide to now seeing as how I'm not dating anyone, so I lost that best friend relationship. I confide to my parents, but I don't tell them everything, because that'd be weird for me. I don't tell EVERYTHING to anyone ever, but there's this chasm that I need to fill where I can just unload everything. Maybe a psychologist or something, but it'd be better if I had a person that knew me well enough, that could listen to my story without bias, who would listen to the full story because it's indeed rather long and that could support me without having judgment or pity.

If I wanted pity, I'd just tell everyone I was going to die in a week or something.

Looking back, I was a fucking idiot for thinking dating in high school was ever a good idea. I laughed at the thought of it up until senior year, but for whatever reason, I thought I'd be different. That maybe the relationship wouldn't be restricting to the point of suffocation (literally) and that I could juggle friends and someone like that at the same time. I couldn't, not because I wasn't physically able to, but because I was given an ultimatum. Then and there was when I should have walked away. It was not very Hippolyta like to stay and I wish I didn't.

There are so many facets about myself that I just want to let out, but I don't trust anyone around me to be able to deal with it. I'm being a drama queen, because if I don't, then someone like Austin would ask me to vent and it would be a conundrum. It's like I have to vent on someone I hate, because I won't care what they think of me.

I can't even sit and watch a Lifetime movie with my roommates without flash-backing, without feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a loon, but maybe they are for watching and also enjoying movies centered around topics about abuse, rape, violence, etc.

I enjoy surrounding myself with people because it makes me forget about the Band-Aid; it makes me feel like things are actually okay and that everything is the way it used to be. Then I get reminded of it by simple status updates from my old friends like Sarah, Lori, etc. I mean, Rachael won't even be my friend on FB for some reason & she's been one of my best friends since middle school. I SERIOUSLY wish people would just tell me to my face why my "friends" stopped talking to me in high school, why they would stare directly at me but then turn away to talk to each other.

It's ridiculous that I have to reflect back on piss-poor high school friends and get caught up in the "whys" of it all., but I do. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm annoying, deadly curious, temperamental, and stubborn, but I'm also kind-hearted, goofy, easily hurt, and too trusting.

This post is entirely too rambly and possibly too passive aggressive. It really wasn't supposed to be. I just wish I had someone who isn't insane or will treat me like I'm insane to talk to.

Found on Friend's Blog

"I just had a thought: You know when you walk in a room and you just forget why you went in there? What if life is like a game of Sims, and God just deletes the action you were about to do?



"

So Random

I'm already starting my Christmas list or birthday list, rather, since my birthday comes before Christmas break. It will mainly consist of Shakespeare movie renditions in which I lol heartily, such as the movie clip we saw today in class on Much Ado About Nothing, which IS in fact about Noting *cough*

ANYWAY. I forgot to mention in the previous post the melodious harmony/beautiful moment that occurred between Watson and I last Saturday when we were making melodious music together. We were playing Rock Band 3, I believe, when I requested that he play "I Miss You" by Blink-182, because it's a damn fine song. I was playing guitar on Medium, which surprisingly had orange notes in it (WHAT THE FUUUUUU). It hurt my pinky finger and my mind very much, besides the whole hallucinatory state I was basically in if I ever took my eyes away from the scrolling notes. ANYWAY. Tito was singing the Mark Hoppus portion, but upon realizing the Tom Delonge part was too high for his vocal range, he put the microphone in my face as I'm strumming my notes and I sang without missing very many notes! We ended up getting like a 98% on that song and we were indeed a smashing duo! Next time I go over I've agreed to bring over my Rock Band microphone so we can sing more duos, since apparently that's possible to have more than one singer. I'm dreadfully embarrassed to sing in front of people, but since it's just Tito, I think I can manage. I mean, I sing in front of the puppy Tito, so the guy Tito shouldn't be that big of a deal!

In other news, I'm so incredibly excited for everything that's going to be happening this year that I cannot contain myself without appearing insane. Only thing I'm not looking forward to would be the fact that although this year is going to be fantastic is the fact I have real life school responsibilities. O.O = my face, because I don't think my excitement is very conducive for studying/keeping up with tests and due dates. In fact, it's the opposite. For the first time ever, I almost wish life would calm the eff down, but even when I say that, I don't really mean it.

Life, you keep being classy and awesome, like how I am on the weekends when I solicit myself to my high-class demographic called the Red Light District of North Lake.

BTW: This is why Samuel L. Jackson is amazing, despite the fact he hates Othello. I'm pretty sure anyone that reads that play can sense the UST between Othello/Iago, but the movie is even moreso in that department. Othello/Iago beach scene anyone?

On playing Othello - "I didn't realize how much I hated that play until I agreed to do it. I don't mind Shakespeare so much, but I really hate Othello. Here was a guy who had been all over the world, kicking ass, looting, plundering and probably raping the baddest babes on the planet. Then he falls in love with some teenager and loses his fucking mind. I don't like that idea at all. I mean, how stupid was he?" (Samuel L. Jackson)