To Thine Own Self Be True

"When you think you're not happy with your life, always think that someone is happy simply because you exist."

Likes Dissolves Likes

Well before you know it, it's already almost the weekend. Time really has flown by so fast; one second I'm just starting college and moving into a new environment for the first time in my life. Starting tomorrow, it will be the end of my first year in college and I'll be moving out from an experience that was, needless to say, bad yet necessary for growth. I've met new people, lost some people, had more free time than I've ever had, dealt with all sorts of people, stressed out endlessly, stayed up all hours, woke up at crazy early times and even really late times, and basically lived a just a sample of the life that's ahead of me.

I mean, if we want to think about it this way, college is kind of a better pre-cursor to real life than high school is. High school you didn't really have to pay attention to your surroundings as much, because everything was set out for you. You would have classes from 7:30 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon every single day of the week. You would get a certain amount of homework, and tests were always staggered so there were never multiple tests within a day. Tests weren't difficult enough to warrant staying up all night studying. Worries were basically out the window because parents took care of everything: cooking, cleaning, laundry, the bills.

College gives all of us the opportunity to get a taste of what parents experience daily. Some people need to commute to college; some live hours away from home so they can't depend on their parents. I'll be the first to admit that I have never done my own laundry before until I went to college. Don't even get me started on cooking. You'll have hours between classes, and sometimes it's not even required to show up to class. Everything is now on your own time. If you want to do well in a class, you have to have the drive and make the effort. The teachers won't baby you and they really don't care if you have 2 papers due the day of their test.

Then there's the high schoolers that are thinking college is gonna be a free-ride of fun. Yeah, college is fun, but you also have to do work. It's not high school where you can get by without reading out of the textbook. My biggest problem was the fact I never wanted to; I got a 4.0 in high school without reading the textbook, why should I read in college if Verot is supposed to be a "mini college prep school"? You have to go above and beyond, especially if you go to a harder college than FGCU or you want to get into difficult programs. However, the second you let all of the negatives from the work needed weigh you down is usually when you won't be productive. You need fun to balance out the stress, just everything in life is about moderation and some people have better control than others.

College really is a slap to the face, but despite all of that, I'm excited to be able to move forward with my new connections and move one step closer to the person I'm supposed to be ♥

"I guess the real fact of the matter is, we don't know what tomorrow's going to bring. And the only real thing we really have is now. So, don't stay mad for too long. Learn to forgive. Love with all your heart. Stay up all night. Have fun. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't worry about people that don't like you. Enjoy the ones who do. Have a crush. Kiss a boy. Just live life the way you want and you'll be happy with it and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong."

Play the Notes to My Heart

I wish I was the type of person that was always inspired to write poems or anything even. I feel like I want to write something, but I can't find any inspiration! It's really frustrating when my desire and my ability are cancelling each other out =/

Two more days and I'm out of my dorm - I'm excited yet I'm really dreading it. I'm gonna hate commuting for summer classes, plus I have no idea how the summer will actually be since I'll be living back home again. It's almost as frustrating and stressful as this whole lack of creativity I'm experiencing too =(

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys make music too."

Nom Nom Nom

If you asked someone how they would define friendship, the answer will usually be, "someone who will always be there for you when you need them, a person who never lies, a person who will always put you first before anyone else" and so on. But who actually fits that description? You have your friends and your true friends. Friends come in many people, but true friends only come once in a lifetime. A real friendship will last, no matter how far they are from you, no matter how many new people they meet, or how popular they may become. To depend on a friend to always be there for you is unfair, because if that person isn't there, what would you do? Just cut them out of your life? If you were a good friend yourself, you would understand why and know that no one is perfect. A friend will always tell you what sounds good or what will make you happy, but a true friend will tell you the brutal truth. FACT: real friends never try to avoid arguments because it will not harm the friendship at all. They shouldn't be scared of getting into that argument in the first place because those little arguments are what makes the friendship stronger. True friends know your deepest secrets, good and bad, and will still love you till the end but friends will only know your surface appearance. Friends come and go without explanation, but true friends will always be there even when you think they're not. True friends are like family; people who treat your parents like they're theirs, people who become best buddies to your brothers and sisters. So when you say "family always comes first", they're already your family. To me, friendship is like a board game. The ones who care enough will enter the game, play it and stay until you end it together. The ones who don't will get bored and choose to leave. So, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.

I guess I've never had a true friend before according to this, except one ^^

10 Things I Hate About You

God, I want to watch this movie! haha I think there's something about love stories that clicks with me. Maybe because I'm a girl, but I'd like to think guys could appreciate some aspect of a love story, even if they appreciate the physical stuff =P

Love stories make my heart skip. I love seeing people in love or falling into it and I always have. Ever since I was a little kid watching Disney princess movies dreaming that I could be a princess, I've always been this little romantic that believes in a love that would triumph all obstacles. Maybe I've set myself up to get constantly knocked down by reality, because not all love is perfect. Rarely will you find a love like in Disney and maybe that's where I went wrong. I always thought that love was like a calm river, sure there would be obstacles and ripples along it, but it maintained the serenity and beauty it had. Love isn't like that though; it's tumultuous, rocky, and it some moments it plain sucks. For me, I'll never understand why certain things have happened in the course of my relationship with Ricky, because it hasn't been a walk in the park like I thought it would be. When you bring two very strong personalities together, there is a clash because it's not their norm; it's a constant struggle on trying to find a balance. Some people can't handle the struggle and lash out, some submit and stay quiet, some leave and give up: everyone reacts differently.

Movies and TV shows only show certain sides of relationships, that's why it's so magical and that's what makes girls swoon and melt. The punk, troublemaker, criminal bad boy falls in love with the smart, quiet, nice girl for who she is, rather than the "fun" he could have with her. That's like every single girl's dream, so of course it's going to be shown in the media, right? I think by having these pre-conceived notions we set ourselves up for pain, because nothing happens quite like how the media portrays them. I mean, the Rihanna getting hit by Chris Brown incident mirrors real life more so than any Disney movie. It's not pretty; it's not perfect; it's not stable, but I'd like to think with effort and copious amounts of time solutions may be discovered.

I've never expected a Hollywood stylized romance, but at the same time I always have. I know it's not realistic to think a guy could love me for just me, that there's no other ultimate deciding factors behind it. I know it's not realistic to expect to always be happy, but that's what I want; I want rays of sunshine always, because I can't stand cloudy days or hurricanes. I know it's not realistic to think the past won't affect the present, but I'll always think that previous actions won't affect the now. It's not realistic to expect fair fights with no revenge from either side; people are very spiteful and some hold onto that for ammunition.

Maybe I have a twisted sense about what love is, but I can only talk from my experience of it. Yes, there are good and happy times, and yes, they may outweigh the bad (hopefully). It's just wrong not to expect a rain storm here and there. There's always going to be lightning and thunder in a relationship: it's only a matter of how you handle it.

"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme. I hate it… I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh; Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around. And the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you; Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." -10 Things I Hate About You

They Be Lining Down the Block

Just to watch what I got ♥



Unfortunately the Burbalicious video isn't posted on YouTube - I'm slightly disappointed but pleased that other people won't be scarred from it like I am. It really is plaguing my mind right now with the chocolate cupcakes, the mini pink weights, the kiddie pool and splashing about in it. haha I'm wondering how that video was even okay-ed to begin with!! =P

"So let's say 'theoretically', I really like you and 'theoretically,' even though it sounds moronically cliche and overused, you give me butterflies. And, just for kicks, let's add that-all in theory of course- you may be one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. And hypothetically, my heart beats ten times faster when I see you. Do you think that you would supposedly (and in the most theoretical sense) feel the same way?"

Hm

I forgot to do a blog on the 24th so this is technically a cheater blog since I changed the date and time.

ironic and yet perfect.

Ten Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but its yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

(Charlie Carter-Scott)

My Purpose

I've been messed with, let down, and played too many times. I wonder what people think of me too much and I'm way too judgmental. My heart is big, but I have my selfish moments. I boast about my confidence when in reality I'm just insecure and longing to be accepted. I love to be in big groups but I love to be alone. Every song on my iPod has a special memory or a regret behind it. I don't like going through old pictures because I miss what used to be or who used to be there for me. I'm stuck in the past with my eyes on the future and I often forget about the present. I'm willing to let go of friends so I won't burden them anymore, to stop talking to them so they can find other friends even if it kills me inside and it's not what I want to do. I have all of these barriers in my mind that prevent me from seeing that I'm worth anything. When it comes to pity parties, I'm the reigning champ. I tend to over think things and trust way too many people just to be betrayed. I have the people I'd love to pack up and leave with, and there are some people I wish would just disappear. I don't cry very often, but when I do, I can't stop. I'm full of contradictions and I can't easily define myself. I'm not strong like I try to make myself out to be. I'm afraid of taking chances when I desperately need to so I can redefine my life. I can't handle being compared with other people because it makes me feel like I can never live up to my expectations. I hate being told what to do. I'm incredibly stubborn. Mixed with my nasty temper and attitude problem, I'm not the girl you should mess with. I'd rather silently take comments made by strangers than to stand up for myself. I won't say anything when you take crap about me, but I never forget it. I'm incredibly spiteful and will dish out revenge triple-fold what was done onto me. I hate the word goodbye and I wish it didn't exist. I wish all the time that I could teleport because I never feel like there's enough time for all of the things I want to accomplish. I'm racing to grow up, but I'm clinging to my childhood like the plague. I feel pressure all of the time to become something that I'm not. I hate liars even though I lie myself. I have hidden secrets that even I don't know. I'm jealous of other girls because I feel inferior to them in many aspects. I don't drink or smoke because I feel like that is only for the weak and boring people that don't know how to have a good time normally. I have this inner need to make people happy that often conflicts with my own happiness, but to me it's always worth it to see other people smile. Once my trust is broken, it takes awhile to fix it. I'm not a one-night stand kind of girl and I never will be. I'd rather be lonely and single the rest of my life than to marry or date someone with extensive dating experience. Sad part is that might actually be my preferred way of living if I could just depend on myself. I hate leaning on others, but I'm secretly just waiting for someone to reach out to me. Sometimes I don't practice what I preach and I slip up and I make mistakes. Sometimes I'll even repeat mistakes because I can't seem to learn a lesson about anything. I'm naive, but I'm getting hardened to avoid getting hurt anymore. It will always sting when I do though, especially when I least expect it.

And even though I know all of these little things about myself, I'm still searching for my answers. I'm still painting my life's portrait and I hope that it turns out beautiful, that maybe everyone would come out and see and realize that I'm an example of an imperfect life among the perfection of now. I've had faults and vices; I've been guilty of being a horrible friend and girlfriend. But despite all of that, I want people to see me and realize that even though I may have been that girl, that I've lived my life exactly how I wanted to and I wouldn't let anyone or anything dictate how I should live my life.

It's my life. If you don't like how I live or if you don't like me, then gtfo of my blog, 'kay?

=)

Good Question

To be honest, I don't know if I would. I mean, don't people say we dislike others because they posses qualities we hate about ourselves? I think at one point this would have been an automatic yes, but now it's so complicated given how I am now. Would I meet myself in passing or would I meet myself alone without any outside pressures? It really affects whether or not I would, and I almost feel like that isn't fair of myself - go figure haha. I don't know, nowadays I'm two people; I'm not necessarily two-faced like I'm always lying to people. But I'm just two separate entities that have to fit inside one body.

I think everyone has this sort of problem. When we are around our parents, we act differently than when we are around our friends. Just with me it's more like am I with or without Ricky and that determines how I act. I don't act like a party girl when he's not there, but that's really how I'm divided up.

If I met myself when she's with Ricky, I might like her. If I met myself when she's without Ricky, I might not like her. It just really depends - I'm so wishy washy =P

I have a lot of aspects about myself that I hate that I see manifested in others such as, pessimism, bitchiness, etc. I think I could learn to like myself if I met me, but answering this question now, I would say I wouldn't like me =/

"Monsters are real. Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win." (Stephen King)

Take A Chance On Me

"I'm the gambler. I believe in giving this a chance. Look, I wanna give this a shot.. just hear me out, alright. You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30, or 40, or 50 years, alright, it's always the guy who says, 'I knew.' I knew, right from the beginning. I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy, I know!" (Bones)

A Toast to Creating Our Own Definition

I remember when I used to play with these during PE/recess when I was younger. I always loved looking up when I ran underneath, because it was like looking up into a giant kaleidoscope. The world was illuminated by the bright sun and reflected all sorts of beautiful colors. Nothing else mattered at that moment except running underneath the canopy of brilliant hues. It was simplicity at its best and it can't be rivaled to anything. Except maybe his smile, but that's a maybe ♥

"Cause that's what life is about. It's about the times where you lay in the grass next to someone you love. It's about the color of the sky. It's about a roaring fire on a winter eve. Everybody hurts, everybody bleeds. Everyone laughs, and smiles, and loves. And that's all that it is. There is no meaning to life, it's nothing that can be defined. It's a matter of writing your own definition." (Unknown)

Life's What You Make It

You know, society usually tells us to put up barriers between us and "them". It's wrong for guys to have emotions, let alone show their emotions in front of others. They get labeled as "homos" or other pleasant terms by their peers. It's wrong for girls to be honest and blunt about how they feel. They get labeled as "bitches". Society has all of these little names for people when they act a certain way that it's no wonder so many people have a hard time expressing themselves. If people are constantly in fear of how they will be perceived, they are never going to be open about their feelings. The minute society gets off our back about all of these things is the moment people will actually act they way they truly are. What's funny is that society is all about "being true to yourself" when all they really want from you is for you to put on a brave face and act whatever part you play in your life. Society doesn't want you to be "natural" or a free thinker; they just want another drone to fill in the space that they need and require at the time. Life is funny that way, hm?

"Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence." (Unknown)

Cheese and Crime!

"Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." (Lady Gaga)

Go For The Moon

Sometimes you're afraid to be a couple with someone
because you are afraid of losing what you already have
with that person. But life is all about risks and it requires
you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back
and wonder what they would have, or could have had.
No one waits forever.

THE ABYSS

is this picture >:[

toooo sleepy for coherency

I have a Spongebob watch, but I want another one.
I almost cried twice today because cartoons make me so emotional.
Driving makes me sleepyyyy - it's like the air conditioning and the radio and the darkness and the street lights. it's just really sleep inducing.
I love car trips ♥

I seem to have a lot of pet peeves

I wish I kept track of how many of these blogs are me ranting about something that I dislike about people. I think when it comes right down to it, I really don't like people that much =P Hi, I'm Jessica and I want to be your nurse one day =]

Anyway.

My pet peeve for today is when people fall back on their disorders.

Let me reiterate.

I understand that some people are born with these disorders that affect their everyday life. I'm okay with that. I also know that people will develop disorders over time given traumatic circumstances or physical harm that may come to them. I'm okay with that too. What I'm not okay with is when said people say, "Well, I was born with _________ so therefore that means I can't do *insert random activity*."

For me, nobody is truly affected by such disorders until you say that sentence. You can have all of these crazy disorders that may alter your self-confidence, affect your reading abilities, affect your social interactive skills, but the moment you say that you can't do something, is the moment you shouldn't be allowed to do that anymore. If you say you can't make friends because your disorder disables you from that, then you don't deserve friends.

There are plenty of people out there who, despite having these disorders, try to make friends anyway even if it's difficult. Some people may never be able to have friends on the same level as people without the disorder, but they at least try.

I hate hearing people blame their disabilities for everything. Do all handicapped people wheel around saying, "Woe is me, I can't walk so I'm just gonna sit around like an inanimate object and pity myself"? No, they don't. They find ways to cope with it. Example: they can play basketball and other sports. Do people with fake legs complain because they have an artificial limb? No. They are thankful they even have what limbs are attached to their body. Maybe they lost it in a shark attack, then they are just happy they are alive.

Why do people have to blame things like disorders for things that they themselves are limiting? Disorders are just as much physical as it is mental. If you think your ugly, then you may as well be even if you are the most attractive thing on the planet; it wouldn't matter, because that's how you perceive yourself.

If you want change, clear your mind first. You're never going to make friends, get good grades, etc if you keep telling yourself you can't.

Ugh. It's just super irritating...

"We all have moments of desperation. But when we face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are." (Unknown)

Vindicated

and although this has nothing to do with the music video (although the video is appropriate for how today has been).. serena and darian from Sailor Moon are the cutest couple ever. end of story. =)



This totally counts as a quote btw ^^

I Really Do Not Want..

Although this blog is public, meaning everyone even total strangers or people I extremely dislike and loathe their presence, can see this and there is indeed a topic I would like to discuss in it, I won't.

Why, you may ask?

Because although I do sincerely loathe and disdain this person's mere existence, and though I may blame all of my insecurities on this one entity, and though this person also is a complete thorn in my side and I cannot wait till this person may eventually leave my sight even though their visage will forever be etched inside my disturbed mind... where was I? Oh, right. Although I have all of those reasons to talk about every little facet that bothers me about this entire situation, I can't because I'm just not that mean to call them out over the Internet.

Jessica's kindness towards people she dislikes and shouldn't have any sympathy for has once again ruined her moment of potential ridicule and insulting frenzy of said person.

She can't even formulate coherent sentences anymore.

DO. NOT. WANT. THOUGH.

"I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't so great." (Something's Gotta Give)

Please, Don't Take My Sunshine Away ♥

Hm, is it illegal to take my shirt off while driving in order to get sun? I'm almost positive it would be better if I just went to a pool, but I don't have time to just sit around soaking up the UV. The UV needs to suck on me while I drive places =P

I'm thinking of wearing a bathing suit top so if I took my shirt off, it wouldn't be scandalous.

I wanna go swimming though! I love swimming and floating around doing tricks and smashing my face on the bottom of the pool while I attempt to do a handstand! It's always great! Plus I think I look decently tan when I'm in water, which sounds weird, but I swear I look so tan in the shower, but right when I step out it's like my skin says, "Okay, Jess, it's been fun and all being brown, but I like being white better, because let's face it, I don't like seeing you happy."

Curse you pigments!

"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one." (my homie Ben Frank aka Benjamin Franklin)

12+ Hours with Day =]

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

I would want to do a plethora of things, but I'm assuming I could only do one thing and not fail. Which is depressing since I want to do a lot of things and having that security of no failure would be nice =P

1. I would want to be able to speak another language fluently and naturally, meaning I never had to take a class on it. Although I would love to, I think it'd be too difficult for me to try to handle =(
2. I would want to make myself a good parent. I'm so paranoid that my kids would hate me so it makes me really scared to have kids down the line of life; I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to handle it if they did. Tough love has never been my thing.
3. Live to be 100. I would just like to make that milestone; I think that'd be pretty cool. I'm not too picky about this one being the one choice I would pick though. If I live to be old, then more power to me!
4. Remain cancer-free. Of all the ways to go, I'm pretty sure cancer is up on the list of deaths I would want to avoid if I can, which is why I don't smoke or drink. I love my lungs and my liver ♥
5. Become a nurse of some sort. I would really love to be able to get into the Nursing Program at FGCU so I wouldn't have to leave and transfer out. I'm not quite sure to what degree of Nursing I want to do, but as of right now I'm sliding more towards nurse anesthetist. I don't really have any sort of backup plan either, soooo maybe this one outweighs the others. Although I really hope I don't fail at some of these!!

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen." (Stephen Wright)

YOU LOOK AT IT! =P

Tonight I got inducted into Phi Eta Sigma and it was a lot of fun! I saw a lot of people I knew, told them congrats, saw Eileen! and chit chatted with her for a bit! I'm hoping to put together another movie night and hopefully it goes well!! =]

I realized tonight as I prepared my outfit for the following day, another day that I would have to dress up for, that I'm completely obsessed with trying to look good by my own standards. If other people find me attractive, then that's great. My important thing: looking attractive to myself.

I also realized that it feels like I have no clothes to wear for such occasions although I have a plethora of clothes. I think I have clothes envy, because I'll see outfits I like that other girls wear, and then when I look at what I wore, which I originally thought was nice, I don't think it is anymore because their outfit looks much better.

Is there even such a thing as clothes envy? It's like penis envy, but with clothes. How insightful!

"Hell, I am young. I am free. My teeth are clean. The sun shines. To hell with everything else." (Stephen Fry)

*Insert typical female rant*

I was driving home while listening to 103.9 like I always do and a commercial came on for Lookers, which is basically a strip club/entertainment place for sleazy dirtball guys to go to - I mean, it's a place for men to go.

I have no problem with such places existing. I have no problem with girls doing that line of profession for a living, or a stepping stone to get an actual job. I have no problem with the whole "it's empowering for women to take hold and flaunt their sexuality over men". No biggie.

My problem is that I will hear that exotic dancing is an art and should be classified as such and that it's not a big deal for guys to want to watch. Let's back this up for a second. The commercial was advertising Lookers and described it as "exotic, erotic, and sometimes a little psychotic." Hasn't got your attention yet? Let's continue with the commercial. Then it goes to two guys having a conversation over the phone or in person and it goes like this:
Guy A: "what are you planning on doing tonight?"
Guy B: "ah, just staying at home and watching some TV"
Guy A: "well I'm going to be going to Lookers, you should go too."
Guy B: "Lookers?"
Guy A: "yeah, you think you want to watch TV entertainment but at Lookers you can see some real T & -"
Guy B: "okay! I'll go!"

... This is where my problem comes into play. Why do guys have to be such pigs? Really? I mean the stupid commercial advertises Lookers by spelling out the word L-O-O-K-E-R-S while the girl saying the letters basically sounds like she's having an orgasm.

I wouldn't mind these places if they actually, ya know, seemed like classy places. From the commerical, I don't get that vibe that the entertainment would actually be entertaining to anyone without man parts. It's not like the old school strip clubs where yes, girls would be wearing little costumes but they would be singing and dancing. Let's look at CHICAGO for example, a musical pretty relevant to what I'm talking about. The women in that movie were wearing skimpy outfits of lingerie and little costumes, but when I saw that movie when I was 8 and it was in theaters, I thought they were the coolest. They danced and sang and actually kept my little kid attention, not because of their T&A but because of their talent.

I'm not saying strippers and pole dancers don't have talent; you stick me near a pole and tell me to dance and I'll laugh awkwardly and not do it. I'm not confident in those aspects to dance partially naked in front of an audience, let alone raging men who think with their nether regions predominantly. Kudos to the strippers and pole dancers for confidence and the muscular ability to dance on a pole. I mean it, serious kudos for them.

But.

Why is it that in movies and the first automatic picture I get when I think "strip club" is no tops, barely there bottoms, and just them shimmying and shaking? Maybe the girls at Lookers are actual dancers and really dance, and maybe I can't judge them until I actually go to one of those places just to find out what the fascination is. I don't like looking at girls' bodies, especially if they are naked. If they are wearing a dress/outfit/bathing suit that I like, then it's more me looking because I want that *insert article of clothing*.

I don't see the hype of pole dancers/strippers/exotic dancers. I could be one of those too. But I would need to get implants first of all, otherwise I wouldn't get very many guys to oogle me. I need to actually take pole dancing lessons so I'm somewhat capable of that. And give me enough energy drinks and I'll be as confident as I possibly can be. It's not difficult. It's not something that's actually competitive; I sincerely doubt it's as hard to be a pole dancer as it is a doctor.

I wouldn't have a single problem with these establishments if all guys would just admit that they just wanna get turned on by girls so that's why they go, because they don't have a girlfriend or anyone else to turn them on and "satisfy their needs". It's when I hear that it's an art and then I hear these commercials and get disgusted for living on a planet with guys that are pigs.

Maybe it's an art. Maybe it's not. I'm not sure. All I know is that tonight when I heard this commercial it physically disgusted me and made me angry and made my inner feminist/Amazonian Queen blood boil because guys will take something that could be an art, and just make it into fast trash porn.

That I have a problem with.

"Amor Vincit Omnia"

Will you still love me in the morning?

Some say that honesty is the best policy

but now I'm beginning to think it's not.

"There are these two sides of me constantly at war. One side wants to be happy and loving, while the other wants to curl up and die. And they push each other and shove each other, tearing me apart inside and the sad part is no one will ever win." (Jacqueline Kelly)

Little Devil Type =]

While I was embarking on my adventure with Balto, I ate a piece of Dove chocolate that Mom handed to me, because she's trying to get rid of Easter candy, and you know there's always leftover Easter candy after Easter because no one really eats candy as much as they do jellybeans.

But anyway.

I opened up the Dove chocolate and upon realizing that these candies are basically fortune cookies/advice treats, I decided to give it a look-see. It said, "Get back to the basics: laugh and share a smile."

Truer words have never been spoken, because I'm really tired of not being happy all the time and I always lament over the fact the old Jess was all about the "basics", sharing laughs and smiles with people always. So I decided starting today, I will try my best to get back to these basics. Dove chocolate saves lives one piece at a time, especially since it was dark chocolate =)

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

I want to be a billionaire ♥

One of these days I guess I should do a blog that describes me, the real Jess. However, I'm tired =P so different time, different date. I also realized that not only haven't I done that, but I haven't even really stated what the point of this blog is even though on my Facebook it says "not a resolution but a promise" Hm - potential blog topics? I think so!

I found this quote that I wrote 4 years ago and I thought it was pretty cute =)

"I couldn't even look at you; I was so sad that I wouldn't get to see you constantly anymore. And right before we got to your house, you said it. You were looking out the window, and you said something that meant everything to me. You told me that you would miss me and I believed you. The way you said it without pretense, without fear of what they thought, made me believe in you. Even though I knew you told the truth, I said you were lying and I'm never going to forget your reaction. You looked me right in the eyes and said that you were serious. Even though they were in the car, you still said that. You have no idea how much that meant to me." (me!)

Nonsensical IOU

I think of all of my friends that I may have treated badly over the almost 2 years I've been dating Ricky, I've mistreated one in particular the most.

They don't need to be named or given a shout out, because it should be painfully obvious. I've been best friends with them since I was around 13 or so; the year we met exactly is iffy with me, but I know that they've changed my life and made it a little brighter by always being there with a smile; I rarely ever saw them with a frowny face and when I did, I knew it was legit and I always wanted them to be happy. It's like they always know what to say and when to say something, like they have an inner clock that says, "Jessica isn't feeling so good, maybe we should say something to her", even if I haven't been the best friend to them. I'm never going to forget all the fun times we had - every other Spongebob episode is like a flashback, so many little things remind me of where I've come from and how far I've come to become the person that I am, and it's due to this person that I probably ever enjoyed my summers as much as I have, which is something that won't change.

I want them to find all the happiness in the world, because I know they deserve it. They deserve to be happy and be treated fairly and to just enjoy life like they used to (I'm hoping they enjoy life still but you never know, I mean if there's an absence of me in their life they can only be enjoying life a little bit). We used to talk all hours about silly things, from TV shows to hypothesizing about the future and how we'd always be there. I could never picture it to be any different whenever we talked about it, it didn't feel that weird to mention it, even when I never knew if it was for real or joking because it was right on the line.

One of these days I hope I can apologize to them for everything I've done or any hurt that I may have caused them. I can't now, because I don't have the right words to say what I want to say, but I will somewhere along the road. I hope it won't be too late and then there would be animosity - I'd hate that. I'd much rather everything be hunky dory all the time than know that they hate me for being a jerk, which I have been and I'm really sorry. I hate that I have to learn a lesson before I can actually fully apologize for my actions. I hadn't apologized to my one friend Matt for my stupid freshmen year behavior until I was a senior =/ I hope it won't take that long! Lo siento if it does.

I have to apologize to Ricky too, but that apology may come later because certain various factors make that apology more difficult :P

"There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."

^^ this quote just kinda fit. hope this doesn't send the wrong message?

Stuffed Up

Spending the day at with my parents plus Bart and Jess is always fun, as long as I don't end up feeling bad during it, which I almost think is impossible, but I'll try to be optimistic about it.

What's worse is that I'm either getting sick or my allergies are acting up. They have been since I woke up =(

I hope I feel better soon.

"We wonder why black and white photos capture our soul. I think it's because without color, we aren't drawn to the makeup and color of our eyes, or our hair, or how tan our skin is. Black and white captures the innocence on one's face and the hurt they've gone through to feel vulnerability. The glow we see comes from the inside, brightening our eyes, our skin, and our smile. It grabs the truth that liberates us."

Take that Back

So Misa played a joke with the whole engagement thing =P Should have figured because it was April Fool's Day yesterday, but I didn't think about that until after the fact and after the blog was sent in.

However, some things have remained the same that I believe should be addressed:

1. Raccoons are incredibly cute.
2. Teach a girl kung-fu and she will randomly attack.
3. When Jess is hungry, she can get annoyed very easily.
4. Bella + Edward = fail.

♥

"She taught me how to love. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about." (Boy Meets World)

Hopeless Romanticism

Is this a trait that's specifically attributed to women and girls, or is this something that can be avoided given the right personality type?

I'm extremely independent and never really needed to have a steady guy in my life; a boyfriend was more of a want rather than a need, and I could always live without one. I had plenty of guy friends growing up, but not boyfriends in that sort of aspect. I liked to wear clothes that made me feel comfortable, like jeans and an over-sized T-shirt because I would just buy guy shirts. I never wore make up or bought into the girly aspect of being a girl, like pedicure/manicures (I got my first pedicure for my 18th birthday because my mom wanted to surprise me). I always thought girls should be more independent and not let guys ruin the good parts about life, like food, laughs, and just the day in general (girls usually watch what they eat if there's someone they want or someone they want to keep).

But despite all of these qualities and the fact I always wanted a guy that could let me stand on my own two feet without needing that sort of crutch that's stereotypical of girls to need, I'm a hopeless romantic. The type of girl that melts at heartfelt messages, not creepy stalker messages that Edward likes to promote, but actual meaningful things that can be said in real life. The type of girl who falls easily if a guy has "all the right qualities". The type of girl that loves love stories, like the fanfics that I have bookmarked in my favorites, where I can read them multiple times and never get tired of it, even when I've memorized the plot.

One of my best friends from middle school who was in the same grade as me got engaged today to her boyfriend. I don't know how long they've been dating, but it threw me for a loop! Engaged at 18? I kept saying, "wow!" when I found out, because that's really surprising stuff. Misa was always the type of girl I least expected to be engaged at 18; if anything, I expected Lori to be engaged at 18 first given how crazy she gets over guys!

So maybe deep down inside every girl is a hopeless romantic just waiting to spring out, or maybe it's something that can be avoided. I'm not quite sure. What I do know is that love and stalking is being terribly confused with the publication of Twilight, and that the "true love" in that book series isn't actually true love and that the author has no idea what she's even talking about.

Love is a gradual process; it doesn't happen over night. It doesn't happen because you think someone will taste delicious, which just sounds wrong because it is. If a guy ever told me that he thinks I would taste delicious, I would probably laugh initially thinking it was a joke and if he was being serious, I would probably be really creeped out especially if it's someone I just met/don't know. Love isn't something you say, it's something you show. You can say you love someone and list all of these good qualities about them, but that doesn't mean you love them. It shows through your actions, your body language, the symmetry between the two. You can't just say, "oh, he's perfect - I love him, what beautiful topaz eyes. he's perfect," over and over again and expect to be taken seriously, let alone actually convince anyone that you're in love.

Steph Meyer totally took a genre and bastardized it, and I'm not even talking about the fantasy aspects of it. She bastardized love. How do I know this? Because her main couple did nothing for me except hate them when every other love story I've ever read, even ones written by middle schoolers with equally horrible grammar and writing as Stephanie Meyer, had me as a puddle of ooze from the cuteness and feelings within it.

Irony: I felt more for Stephanie Meyer's accidental pairing, Bella & Jacob, more than I ever could for her deliberate, final couple, Bella & Edward.

I guess the lesson here is make a crappy love story and someone somewhere will eat it up, I suppose. Nothing says love like an abusive relationship built on nothing substantial. Thank you, Stephanie Meyer for your outstanding contribution to society and "literature", which your book is apparently considered.

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." (Rose Franken)

*edit* too many silly pictures for one silly ranting blog, so one more =P