Gina inviting me to go to Megacon

while that makes me really happy, like ridiculously happy, because look at the cast that's going to be there, I know deep down that it's not going to happen.

It'd be different if I didn't have an article review due that next Monday or a Mental exam that Monday as well, plus I don't have a ticket yet, which means I'd be spending I don't even know how much for one. I'd have to get a ride there or drive there myself, but considering Blayn would be going, I'd assume he'd wanna drive. The hotel room is for 4 people, although I'm assuming more would be going than just four, meaning there'd be two beds. Unless I'd be sleeping with Gina, then that alone already freaks me out. I'd also want to buy ALL the things. Plus, it's semi-short notice, considering it's Feb 17-19.

It'd be 60 dollars for a 3 day pass, which I guess isn't that bad... but it's more the fact that I'd be there the entire time and possibly later, because they'd wanna hang out in Orlando and I'd rather not have to be the one to ruin everyone's fun.

Even if that means giving up on seeing Vic, Todd, Travis, Christopher R. Sabat, and Laura Bailey.

Even if that means not seeing Tom Felton in person, because apparently he's going to be there too.

I will just sit in my jealousy while I study my life away.

I've posted this before, but this is my life :D

In other news, so it isn't a complete re-post, Blayn texted me saying he saw my doppelganger on campus and almost attacked her.

Blayn: "I saw someone that looked alot like you so i snuck up on her from behind to bear hug and pick her up and as i like was on her ass i saw she was wearing a beenie and i was like shit that isnt jessica lol"

He's an idiot <3

Jessica rants... once again

Today, my teacher decided to start the class by asking "who read the material?" and some of us nodded, but none of us raised our hands. This is within minutes of entering the classroom, without even starting the lecture. Our teacher immediately started bitching, saying, "Well, I guess we can cancel class then, because no one will participate and no one read." Excuse me?

I didn't read the chapter material, but I read the articles she posted. I, as well as other students in the class, like to go into lecture and read the chapters afterwards, because why will I trudge through the bullshit, when during lecture, she will trim the fat and discuss what's actually important.

I have other classes, besides hers. I'm not going to devote my free time for reading her textbook. I'm just not going to. I don't read ahead for ANY of my classes, because I just don't see the point.

But this teacher. This teacher LEFT the classroom and came back in 5 minutes, went through the powerpoint like a smartass, and then said we were done in less than 30 minutes.

Then, said teacher decided to lecture us on how it's disrespectful to come to class unprepared and without having read the material, saying how it's unprofessional, and so on and so forth.

I'm sorry.

Once again, I seemed to have forgotten that my study habits affect your perception of the level of respect I have for you, because that makes sense. If I choose not to read, it's because I don't want to.

I forgot I was attending college, where I am, supposedly, allowed the freedom of choice when it comes to doing ANYTHING.

I don't understand.

If I choose not to study or read, that's my decision and how dare you penalize me for making that choice. Example: if I get all A's on all of my tests, why should it matter that I don't do the homework? It should be obvious I know what I'm doing, considering I'm getting A's.

Why are we treating college students, juniors and seniors in this class, like we need to be baby-sat?

Why are we, students who either have loans, scholarships, or are paying up front for education, dealing with teachers who don't do their job?

I'm not getting paid to sit at home and read your textbook, but you're getting paid to lecture. You're getting paid to teach and when you pull bullshit stunts like this where you walk out of the classroom... that's not professional.

I wish every teacher could be like Southard who taught Stats. He didn't take attendance; he didn't give a shit if you were there or not; he didn't bitch about not reading; if you didn't show up to class and you had a question about something on his exams, he just told you, "tough luck".

If I was a teacher and I had students who didn't read, but showed up to lecture anyway, I would feel pleased. Sure, it's not good if you wanted to do some Q&A sessions or something... but the students took the time to attend lecture to listen to you. These lectures are no joke - they are long and drawn out, often on material we really don't care about, because we've either already learned it or because it's just boring. We go anyway.

Shouldn't that already be proof of respect?

It's just bullshit. All of it. I'm so glad I'm a mix between mom and dad, because otherwise, I would have spoken my mind to her face and probably get in trouble with the program. At least I inherited my conscientiousness from my mom, because that lady would have had a whole lot of Jessica attitude to deal with.

I'm dating a dork.

So the crazy preacher is here still, but I didn't notice, because I wasn't anywhere near civilization today due to being stuck in AB8 hearing a dummy vomiting and being filmed for television.

Blayn texts me, wanting to let me know that he defended some girl, because the preacher called her an "obombination" and that she isn't leaving him alone and how he thinks she's stalking him now. I told him that if it's really bothering him that he should just mention me, because most girls stop talking to guys when they hear them talking about other girls. Blayn said he'd do that, because that's smart.

The conversation shifts back to the girl, and he was like, "I just want you to know that I told you about the girl cuz I didn't want you to worry or get the wrong idea". So, I wanted to tease him a bit by pretending I was upset.

Dis guy.

Blayn: "but I know you're not actually upset."

Me: "How???"

Blayn: "because I know you!"

Me: "O rly?"

Blayn: "yes lol"

Me: "well idk.. for all you know I could be frowny facing it up right now!"

Blayn: "but why would you be?"

Me: "cuz you're totes macking on this chick and you don't want me to interrupt if I see you on campus!"

Blayn: "wait what lol"

Me: ":P exactly!"

Blayn: "but that wouldn't work lol"

Me: "how?! it makes sense to me!"

Blayn: "because I'm taken ♥"

he needs to stop this. because my heart cannot handle these feels.

You know how there's certain music that just makes you feel better?

This is one example ♥

Considering I can't say anything about my patient outside of the hospital, I will say that I had a good day at clinicals, I am alive, my back is killing me, and I got to SAW a cast.

I took my retest and I psyched myself out, as I always do. I had the right answer for one of them but then I changed it.. like an idiot, so I got a 90% when I needed a 95%, but there wasn't really anywhere to lose half a point... so I don't know. I hope I can stay in the class, otherwise, that's AWKWARD, I wouldn't get a full refund, and then I'd only be a part-time student, so Bright Futures would be all up in my ass... then I'd get pushed back a semester, meaning I might have to go to college without a scholarship, while my mom is getting ready to retire.

I'm really overwhelmed by ALL the things I have to do, because I feel like there's no time. I want to have me time, as well, and I realize that's asking a little too much, but still. I'd like to be able to sit in my room without smelling the hospital, even after taking a shower - maybe it's just one of those things that never goes away.

I also still don't know if this is what I'm willing to do. The nurses there all work 12 hour shifts. THAT'S CRAZY! I saw a nurse last night and I saw her still working when I checked in this morning. It's just crazy.

But, all I know is, seeing my patient smile and when I said goodbye to them, they didn't want me to leave and kept asking me if I really had to go, even when other Nursing students were coming to get me, THAT made me like today, despite the stress of everything and knowing I didn't accomplish half of what I was supposed to.

I wish Nursing could be about THAT.

Now that I've re-cooped

I can actually talk about what happened yesterday!

As I was walking up to Blayn's dorm door, all of a sudden I hear someone screaming bloody murder. It was Blayn and he screamed because he lost at Mario Kart 64. I sat next to Gina, a fellow Tumblrite and so we start talking about it and catching up from when I last saw her a month ago. Both of us dominated in Mario Kart, because we're awesome like that :P

Gina checks her Tumblr and starts freaking out because she got an ask, but then when she read it, it was more of a facepalm moment than anything else. The ask was something along the lines of "oh I happened to notice you post about video games, I like that!" and we just started laughing for 5 minutes, because of (1) how she read it to me, (2) because video games are the only things she posts, and (3) because we're the only ones that knows what's going on while all the guys were side-eyeing us for our random laughter.

It's little moments like that when I really wish all my friends could meet together and it'd be a happy happy fun time for everyone :D

Then Blayn started quoting "What's Up" and Gina and I were making fun of him for only now discovering it, because it's all over Tumblr, and Blayn got confused halfway through the conversation and Gina looked at me and said, "he's all yours" and I started laughing, because he's clearly an idiot, but he means well.

Oh, and the other day Blayn, in his idiotic stupor, said I looked like/am like Tsubaki from Soul Eater, which I don't, no matter how you look at it.

Then Gina left, and Chris was like, "what should we watch on Netflix?" Blayn shouts, "High School of the Dead!" I die inside and Chris actually puts it on.

The entire time I was just making comments throughout it, like:

"why don't you just tear her skirt, oh look, you just did that,"

"I would have killed this bitch a long time ago,"

"that's not his girl, so why does he keep saying that?"

"look at this asshole!"

"Maybe if they actually talked to each other, this all could have been avoided"

and "is this REALLY necessary?"

Blayn kept turning around, just to see what facial expressions I was making and apparently they were "rolling on the floor" hilarious. Personally, it's a REALLY awkward show to be watching when you're the only girl in the room with 4 guys. That, and I'm not a fan of fanservice. I watched over half of the anime, since there's only 12 episodes, but after #6, which I swear, was just ASS and larger than watermelon breasts and bath scenes, I was done. I had enough fanservice to last for the rest of my lifetime.

The plot is okay, but the blaring fanservice kills everything for me, because it doesn't make sense. Logical Jessica strikes again, but seriously. Is a bath scene where the tits and ass of the female characters, with detailed areolar tissue, necessary? No, it isn't. It's not even supposed to be funny, which if it was intentionally supposed to be, I would be okay with it, but because it isn't, it's just annoying.

On a scale though, it's definitely a higher rank than Hetalia, though probably by a slim margin. Poor Todd Haberkorn ;_;

I don't think I've ever felt so unconfident in my life about what it is I want to do and what I can actually picture myself doing.

Touring the hospital, taking the training program, walking the floor that I'll be walking next week, hearing about all the things we will be expected to do, and just seeing people ALIVE in hospital beds has me freaked out.

From 8 am this morning to about 4 pm, I've been freaking out internally about all of this stuff. The fact that I'll have my own patient and I'm going to be the only one working on said patient. The fact that the people that the nurses/CNAs could hate me and thus make my life miserable. The fact that I'll be putting catheters into people who actually can talk as opposed to the training dummys. The fact I'll have to talk to people, to strangers I don't even know, and try to convince them that I actually am completely confident, when I'm not at all.

I think that's the hardest part: feigning confidence and maintaining composure. I'm pretty sure if I hear one mild form of constructive criticism, I might explode into tears. Not because I think I'm doing everything perfect, because I know I won't and that I'm not at this point in time, but because I'm so stressed out.

Not passing the dosage test is also a huge factor in my stress and I really have no one to blame but myself. It was my fault, because I didn't look over the material enough and because I over-thought the math. It was like time traveling back to when I was in 4th grade and I just couldn't understand math at all. I didn't have a pencil, so I could only use pen, which as stupid as it may sound, I can't concentrate with a pen, because I feel like once I write something down, I shouldn't cross it out, because it's unaesthetically pleasing.

I saw my Gero clinical instructor in the hospital and she came over to say hi, which was good.

I got a lot of compliments on my lunch box, although I felt REALLY dumb, because apparently when you work in the hospital, you just eat cafeteria food. For instance, Thomas, who saved my life this morning by showing me where my meeting was, stopped in the middle of the hallway while he was pushing an empty gurney and said, "a lunch pail? I haven't seen one of those in a long time, let alone here! Is your lunch in there?" Needless to say, anyone that saw me made a comment on my lunchbox, but I can't really blame them, because Spiderman is a pretty cool guy <3

I just wish confidence came easy and that I could have passed my test on the first try. It definitely doesn't help my already declining psyche. I desperately need reassurement about this whole Nursing thing, because I'm really not feeling like I'm qualified. Not like it's a big deal, but in comparison to the other girls in my class I feel like I look the most unapproachable. The instructor even said not to compare ourselves, but it's kind of difficult when everyone in the class looks a certain way, except for me. They just hide their stress and concern so much better than I do, so it makes me feel like I'm the only one that's scared when I know that's not the case.

I really hope next week is better and I didn't even have any patient interaction today. This fucking school year man!! All my hair is going to be gray by the end of it!!!!!!

Jessica bitches... AGAIN

WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Okay, this is maybe my fault for not checking my e-mail at all yesterday and only checking it just now when I got back from hanging out with Blayn (which was fun), but c'mon.

If you're going to put something up that's even MILDLY important, don't do it two days before school starts. PLEASE. Don't ever fucking do this again.

I'm tired. I want to go to sleep, but now I've realized I'm going to be taking a calculations test on Tuesday, during a class time I didn't even know I had until this very minute. And then I find out that because I'll have a clinical conflict, I'll be transferring to the Friday lab group instead, which means, I'll have had classes all days of the week.. once. again.

I'm just tired of this. I have MORE paperwork to do, a resume for job experience I DON'T have, and just dealing with bullshit.

Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?

It's that time of year

that oh so special time where Jessica starts ranting about college and hating life. How I've missed this feeling!

I decided to check Angel, just because I wanted to see how many classes I have that actually use Angel, when I happened to notice an e-mail sitting precariously in my inbox. I thought it was strange since I had just checked my FGCU e-mail and there wasn't anything. Don't even fucking ask me why FGCU has to have TWO different e-mail means and why some messages don't get sent to both, because I don't even know.

I click it. My Mental teacher APPARENTLY forgot to mention that we needed another textbook. That's nifty. Oh, the book won't be available for pick up until Monday, which, by the way, is the first day back. SUPER.

I'm already freaking out at this point, so I decide to click on my Gero class just to see what's up, because I'm weird and check my classes beforehand like a nerd.

I notice something called Hospice Paperwork, so I click it and whoa. Apparently, there's a shit ton of paperwork that has to be filled out before I can even do clinicals. That would have been nice to know.. i don't know.. NOT three days before classes start. Like, what the fuck, FGCU, what are you doing? You should inform me of these things so I don't feel like a panicked mess, which I do. It doesn't help that I have NO idea when this is even due because you've said "before clinicals," which as far as I know, clinicals start in 5 days, but then you also say before January 23rd, which by my calculations if I'm correct, would mean I'd have missed 2 clinicals, which means I would fail the class without even having taken any tests.

I don't find it humorous that you also decided to give us a worksheet with questions about the site. I'm sorry, but what the fuck? Seriously. This cannot be real life. I refuse to accept this reality, especially after having 3 weeks of Ouran, Soul Eater, Azumanga Daioh and other glorious things.

Why do I have to give you MORE proof of my TB shots when I've already done so for the program not even 6 months ago? Why is a "green" school asking me to re-print something that the fucking Nursing program already has? Seriously.

I just want to lay down and sleep forever, because I know I could. I'm so tired of being stressed out. I'm so tired of being blind sided, because FGCU doesn't believe in sending "by the way..." e-mails, so I could actually stay on top of shit.

I'd also appreciate it if I could find out when my secret lab is, because that's pretty fucking important, I would imagine. It's bad enough that I have NO say in when this lab is, but it's even worse when I won't find out until the day classes start. It's bad enough that all of my lecture classes are on Monday from 8-4:45, but it's even worse knowing all of my final exams in April will be on a FRIDAY, the last day possible for exams.

And then I'm going to have summer classes, so any semblance of a normal summer is thrown out the window, so my only hope in having a true break won't occur until next Christmas.

Just. kill. me. now.

I'm just going to leave this here, because it's applicable for my life.

"Reality is always a pain. Fed up with it, we decided to remake the world: make walls, divide things into trash and things that we care about; leave what we love and kick the rest outside. And when we tried it, it really worked! You can make a world out of nothing but moe and tsundere and BL." - Erika Karisawa

Happy New Year :)

So it would appear that it is 2012, despite not feeling like anything has changed, let alone that "the year the world ends" has finally arrived.

Even as I was reigning in the new year with Watson, it felt kind of off, much like how Christmas did. This entire year went by so quickly. It was an overall happy year, my best year in a long time. I'm apprehensive as to whether or not 2012 can top it or even match my 2011, because that year just meant so much to me. It wasn't a year of finding love and it was definitely more than just a year of finding happiness.

I found happiness through myself; I've gained friendships; I've regained relationships and they have strengthened. I've said this all before, but it will forever hold true. Maybe what I've gained doesn't seem as grandiose as everyone else's, but I'm more than perfectly fine with that. I've realized what's truly important and what isn't; I'm much more of a "take no bullshit" kind of girl; I'm honest and I've realized that people's opinions mean absolutely nothing. If I'm happy, then why should it matter what makes me happy. So what if I have an unhealthy obsession with fictional characters? I will go out and wear whatever my heart desires, whether it be something absolutely atrocious, something unflattering, or something that's not visually appealing to the opposite sex. I literally have no fucks to give, because I have everything I need.

And despite all of that, I found someone that's attracted to me in Blayn, even though I'm still constantly questioning whether or not that's even worth it. I've gained so much this past year and the fact that someone can be interested in me gives me hope that it's possible for someone to like me for who I truly am and not what I pretend to be.

For example:

As I tweeted before, my friend, Gina, posted a picture of her ukelele, which she has been wanting one for awhile now. She captioned said picture as, "her first uke" and I got such sheer and utter delight from it when I really shouldn't have - it's just one of those moments where the terminology picked up from my perusing of manga/anime for all my life has ruined my mind...

I have already accepted that I am Batman right now; I can't be bothered with romance, not because I'm too dangerous, but I'm going to be too busy to make someone feel needed/necessary/whatever it is guys want from girls.

All I know for sure is that 2011 is my best year yet and the years following that will have QUITE the bar to meet in order to surpass it. 

If that's not a challenge for 2012, then I don't know what is.