I think I'm paranoid...

Making a mental note now, because I'm sure this will come up again or I'll have to document when I first noticed symptoms.

Either earlier this past weekend, but definitely now, I've noticed that my face is looking a little pink almost purpley. This wouldn't be alarming if I had gotten some serious sun exposure, but I haven't. The only time I go out into sunlight is when I walk to my car, walk from my car to my class building, and make that trip back to my car. So, basically, my only exposure to sunlight is when I go to class, clinical, or I go out to eat.

I haven't changed my shampoo or my soap or my face wash. It can't be because I'm allergic to something, because nothing has changed.

And I'm already paranoid as it is and none of the stuff I've learned in Nursing school is helping to alleviate my  paranoia...

If I'm diseased, I just want to know. I want to take my mind off of it if that's the case, but I don't want to bring it up or ASK if the bridge of my nose/cheeks look pink/purpley. I think it may be the lighting in my bathroom, but sometimes in other places, it looks almost the same.

I really want to attribute this to bright lighting but I'm not sure how much denial I'm willing to dish out before it gets really old and tiring.

But seriously - the fact my face is developing what would appear to be a butterfly rash, the fact I feel tired all the time even after I wake up after 8 hours of sleep, the fact that I'm in my 20s, the fact I'm a female, the fact I have a family history, the fact that IF it's what I think it is I won't know exactly because it doesn't affect everybody the same and symptoms vary and start at different times for everyone...

Let's just say if I DO get that and that's what this is, do you realize how paranoid I will be? Because of all the things to get, it may as well affect EVERY organ system, even my beloved kidneys.

And even if it's NOT what I think it is, knowing there's still a strong probability that it will happen and that I could find out the same way my mom did? No dice.

I am not equipped for any of this and I may go through periods where I think I can, but I don't think I'll be able to look positively on something that throws a wrench at my entire life.

And maybe that's something I would have to learn over time, but I really don't need this stress right now and if I could just alleviate this through some simple means, I'd love that more than anything. But it's not that simple.

I'm just going to go to bed and pretend nothing's the matter and that it's all in my head, because, hopefully, that's all it is.

I wanted to copy down a funny moment that happened, but I can't remember how we got onto the topic in the first place.

I remember now!

For sim lab, we had to know how to do blood transfusions, what to monitor for, how long to monitor, etc. So, I was talking with Dave about it when Jenna and Rebecca walked up and Dave asked us collectively what the universal donor was. We all said O and then Dave went off on a tangent and was like, "That's also Jesus's blood type." And we looked at him and said, "how would you know what his blood type was?" Dave  started talking about the shroud and how it left his face imprinted onto it and how there was blood on it, so they cross-typed it. As Dave is trying to explain that, Rebecca says, "I'm pretty sure they didn't know blood types back then," which made Jenna and I laugh, but then Dave said, "I'm talking about the shroud, though, and it happened recently." Rebecca looks at Dave and says, "The shroud?" Dave asks her how she doesn't know what the shroud is. Rebecca says, "I don't know! I'm Jewish, man."

Too many of these stories are only funny, because of the people involved. I wish I could video tape my life, so I could share these moments with people. It's really disappointing when all of these moments involve situational humor :[

On another topic, as much as I make fun of Dave and give him shit for not knowing things, he's a pretty cool/funny guy, whether he's trying to be funny intentionally or otherwise. He's such an asshole and he never stops arguing his point even when he's proven wrong. It's easy to forget that he's 25, because he can be such an idiot sometimes. But, without that, I wouldn't get the opportunity to laugh so much during clinical days or lab days, even if it's at his expense. I'd like to think we're friends - the kind that aren't actually friends but associate, because we're both sarcastic and we belittle other people, jokingly.

I've certainly come a long way since December 2010. I still get the feeling that I'm bothering the people I do talk to and that feeling where I'll just keep to myself until someone talks to me, but other than that, a lot of improvement and resurrection of the old me! Well, not really the old me, but an enhanced, "I know better than to make the same mistakes again" me :P

I'd like to think it's because I'm forced to interact with people, because of my major, but I do attribute a majority of my personal growth to the friends that stuck by me when I didn't think I had any!

I say this about every chance I get when I'm feeling whimsical and reminiscent, but I really am thankful for the people that stuck around, listened to my problems, and let me grow from where I was without having to remind me of my follies.

That list of people is surprisingly small, but honestly, I'm beyond pleased with what has been given to me. I'm a firm believer of quality over quantity and every time I mention this I always feel really hoity-toity that I'm so happy with my handful of loved ones, but I can't help but feel really proud and blessed to feel the amount of love I do.

I've always been a really loving person and the type that would do anything for her friends/family, but I never had the same treatment given back to me, at least from the friends I used to have. Maybe from a few, but looking at who's here now, I can't help but feel like, while that relationship was a mistake, it helped me, because now I know who's really worthy of my love and affection.

Even when I was a little chitlin at the age of 13, I would say I would do anything for a friend, whether it was helping them at the expense of myself or to be the person that had to hurt their feelings in order for them to open their eyes to what was happening. Even back then, I can remember being hurt, because my 'friends' would do all of these hurtful things, like talking ill of me because I talked to someone or hating who I was dating at the time and ignoring me, rather than talking to me about it. I'd like to think my little group would afford the same courtesy to me.

I will take even just 1 friend if they could do that for me. The entire world could hate me and do nothing but tear me down, but if I had one friend to be that person for me, nothing else would matter.

I'm lucky enough to have that sort of unconditional love from my parents and maybe in two other people.

It's funny how disjointed this post is, considering how it started off and where I'm ending this. Guess that's one other commonality between 2004!me and the me right now - I've never been able to string together my thoughts coherently :P

At least I don't end every sentence with lol.