I don't think I've ever felt so unconfident in my life about what it is I want to do and what I can actually picture myself doing.

Touring the hospital, taking the training program, walking the floor that I'll be walking next week, hearing about all the things we will be expected to do, and just seeing people ALIVE in hospital beds has me freaked out.

From 8 am this morning to about 4 pm, I've been freaking out internally about all of this stuff. The fact that I'll have my own patient and I'm going to be the only one working on said patient. The fact that the people that the nurses/CNAs could hate me and thus make my life miserable. The fact that I'll be putting catheters into people who actually can talk as opposed to the training dummys. The fact I'll have to talk to people, to strangers I don't even know, and try to convince them that I actually am completely confident, when I'm not at all.

I think that's the hardest part: feigning confidence and maintaining composure. I'm pretty sure if I hear one mild form of constructive criticism, I might explode into tears. Not because I think I'm doing everything perfect, because I know I won't and that I'm not at this point in time, but because I'm so stressed out.

Not passing the dosage test is also a huge factor in my stress and I really have no one to blame but myself. It was my fault, because I didn't look over the material enough and because I over-thought the math. It was like time traveling back to when I was in 4th grade and I just couldn't understand math at all. I didn't have a pencil, so I could only use pen, which as stupid as it may sound, I can't concentrate with a pen, because I feel like once I write something down, I shouldn't cross it out, because it's unaesthetically pleasing.

I saw my Gero clinical instructor in the hospital and she came over to say hi, which was good.

I got a lot of compliments on my lunch box, although I felt REALLY dumb, because apparently when you work in the hospital, you just eat cafeteria food. For instance, Thomas, who saved my life this morning by showing me where my meeting was, stopped in the middle of the hallway while he was pushing an empty gurney and said, "a lunch pail? I haven't seen one of those in a long time, let alone here! Is your lunch in there?" Needless to say, anyone that saw me made a comment on my lunchbox, but I can't really blame them, because Spiderman is a pretty cool guy <3

I just wish confidence came easy and that I could have passed my test on the first try. It definitely doesn't help my already declining psyche. I desperately need reassurement about this whole Nursing thing, because I'm really not feeling like I'm qualified. Not like it's a big deal, but in comparison to the other girls in my class I feel like I look the most unapproachable. The instructor even said not to compare ourselves, but it's kind of difficult when everyone in the class looks a certain way, except for me. They just hide their stress and concern so much better than I do, so it makes me feel like I'm the only one that's scared when I know that's not the case.

I really hope next week is better and I didn't even have any patient interaction today. This fucking school year man!! All my hair is going to be gray by the end of it!!!!!!