A lot of the people who I graduated with have taken their license exam already and have passed, but with each post I see about it with a picture of their results, I'm overcome with conflicted feelings.

I'm really happy they passed, because the program was really difficult and we made it through together. There's a sense of camaraderie in the fact that if one succeeds, then we all can succeed, because we've been through worse.

But then it's like, I really wish you wouldn't be posting all of this celebratory stuff, because I'm not even sure if I will pass, which is a really selfish and insecure thing to say, but seeing people happy about passing makes me feel like I can't pass, for whatever reason.

And then it gets worse. Because they've passed/took the test before me, they can start applying for jobs sooner than I could, even if I rushed and did that immediately. For the most part, people are staying in the area, which means I'm less likely to get where I want to be. I've basically resigned myself to wanting ANY job, which by definition isn't terrible, because I could theoretically move to any unit I'd want later on and I need experience anyway, but in reality, it's more like I don't have confidence in myself to outshine any of these people in the interview process or even skills wise on the off chance I have to compete with these people for a position.

I'm studying every day by doing practice questions and I feel like I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm doing enough while at the same time I feel like it's not enough. If that makes sense.

I'm feeling insecure about waiting so long to take my test, as if the extra 10+ days of questions will make any difference whatsoever with me passing or not.

I initially picked the date because I wanted the day to be a happy memory.

But then I think, well, what if it just makes the day worse? Or, even worse, why do I NEED to have a happy memory on that day in the first place? It's been nearly 3 years - shouldn't the day mean nothing to me?

I could have picked sooner - preferably even still in the 20s, but the early 20s nonetheless - but I'm just not feeling confident, which is affecting everything.

It's making it so I want to procrastinate (I started playing a facebook game when I swore I would never play another one; I've read manga all day at one point - I can't even begin to list the amount of manga I've completed or started during this time) and there's nothing wrong with choosing to not study for a little bit. I'm more than aware that studying 24/7 with no breaks isn't a good thing. I'm aware that other people haven't studied this entire time since graduation, as evidenced by seeing pictures of them having fun and going on vacations and things like that.

I don't even have proof that I'm any less superior than the people I've graduated with, but for some reason I feel like I am, because even though I know there are people who wouldn't study all day every day, I'm convinced that I'm not taking this seriously enough and that I'm the one doomed to fail, which is such a horrible outlook to have before I even take the test.

I'm so happy for people who have passed, but each pass picture just reminds me of how devastated I will be if I don't pass, of how scared I am to get into that test center and forget even the most simple of things, of how scared I am that the computer will turn off after 75 questions not because I've passed exceptionally already but because I've failed so atrociously.

Everyone's dreams are becoming reality with the passing of this exam and this is honestly just one small step along life's journey, but I feel like so much is weighing on me. I almost feel like my reasons for being a nurse alone aren't good enough.

Some of these people have wanted to be a nurse since forever, whether it's because it's what their parents/families do, which seems to be the majority, or because they've experienced good nursing by being hospitalized at some point and being inspired by them.

Working in the medical field wasn't necessarily my first choice - it was something almost ingrained that that's what I should aim for, because "people always get sick," "you're so smart - I know you can do it," "it pays well", and it was just something I began to expect of myself as if to prove my worth that I COULD do it. It also didn't help that I had no other goals/dreams to hold on to that I ever took seriously.

I didn't pick nursing until senior year of high school, although apparently that's what I put in my 8th grade yearbook for my dream job, and the reason why I changed my mind from "pre-med" to nursing was because of the nurse anesthetist presenter during career day. Here was a job that paid well that also allowed you to have time to raise a family - and that was all I needed. In the time of my life where I thought I found the guy I was going to marry/live with one day, that was all the convincing I needed.

Ultimately, I made my decision on my major/future based on a relationship that didn't even last and by the time the relationship had finally ended, I couldn't change my mind. I was accepted into the program and decided to see it through, because I wanted to help people.

Yes, I did volunteer in the hospital gift shop in high school for community hours. Yes, I loved delivering presents to patient's rooms. Yes, I loved seeing the patients smile, because their family that lives out of state loves them so much that they telephone ordered balloons/stuffed animals for them. Yes, that one moment where a patient told me I made his day made me so unbelievably happy that I was convinced that this is what I want to do - make people happy, make a difference in a simple way.

But I'm so unsure of whether this is what I was born to do. I'm not the best at chitchat, which is something necessary. I get so worried about how I come off as to patients that there would be some days during clinical where I wouldn't know what to say. Yes, I may be able to study well, but that doesn't necessarily make me smart in other aspects necessary for this path. I almost feel like my reasons for wanting to be a nurse are childish and idealistic, because shouldn't EVERY nurse want to help people or be the nurse they would want for their own family?

Feeling insecure/inferior and comparing are my least favorite things, because nothing good comes from it. I don't feel inspired to become a better person or to change anything. I just kind of wallow in it when this happens. I get inspired by a good grade or reading a question and knowing the answer immediately; I get inspired by watching movies like Whisper of the Heart and remembering that just because I'm a rock, that doesn't mean that deep inside there isn't potential.

I feel better typing it all out, which I hoped would be the case, even if this entire post doesn't seem like I'm better off than where I started.

I don't think the conflicted feelings will go away until I take my test, do my best, and get my results.

I try to tell myself every day that just because I'm going slower than everyone doesn't mean I won't finish. I will finish and I'll see this through. This is just one small moment in a life that will, hopefully, last 50+ more years at the very least.