I think I'm paranoid...

Making a mental note now, because I'm sure this will come up again or I'll have to document when I first noticed symptoms.

Either earlier this past weekend, but definitely now, I've noticed that my face is looking a little pink almost purpley. This wouldn't be alarming if I had gotten some serious sun exposure, but I haven't. The only time I go out into sunlight is when I walk to my car, walk from my car to my class building, and make that trip back to my car. So, basically, my only exposure to sunlight is when I go to class, clinical, or I go out to eat.

I haven't changed my shampoo or my soap or my face wash. It can't be because I'm allergic to something, because nothing has changed.

And I'm already paranoid as it is and none of the stuff I've learned in Nursing school is helping to alleviate my  paranoia...

If I'm diseased, I just want to know. I want to take my mind off of it if that's the case, but I don't want to bring it up or ASK if the bridge of my nose/cheeks look pink/purpley. I think it may be the lighting in my bathroom, but sometimes in other places, it looks almost the same.

I really want to attribute this to bright lighting but I'm not sure how much denial I'm willing to dish out before it gets really old and tiring.

But seriously - the fact my face is developing what would appear to be a butterfly rash, the fact I feel tired all the time even after I wake up after 8 hours of sleep, the fact that I'm in my 20s, the fact I'm a female, the fact I have a family history, the fact that IF it's what I think it is I won't know exactly because it doesn't affect everybody the same and symptoms vary and start at different times for everyone...

Let's just say if I DO get that and that's what this is, do you realize how paranoid I will be? Because of all the things to get, it may as well affect EVERY organ system, even my beloved kidneys.

And even if it's NOT what I think it is, knowing there's still a strong probability that it will happen and that I could find out the same way my mom did? No dice.

I am not equipped for any of this and I may go through periods where I think I can, but I don't think I'll be able to look positively on something that throws a wrench at my entire life.

And maybe that's something I would have to learn over time, but I really don't need this stress right now and if I could just alleviate this through some simple means, I'd love that more than anything. But it's not that simple.

I'm just going to go to bed and pretend nothing's the matter and that it's all in my head, because, hopefully, that's all it is.