A lot of stuff is happening in the family and I'm feeling really numb about everything, which is scary/off-putting. I just don't want to think it's actually happening, so I'm choosing to ignore it. I also don't know what to do, because I can't do anything to fix it except sit idly by and know it's happening.

I remember in 2009 or so, I started crying because I got so scared at the thought, and now that all of this is almost imminent, I can't express anything or maybe I should say, I don't want to express anything. I've never dealt with anything like this before and I don't know where to start or how to go about it. I'm really scared that I can't keep a promise I made to myself about it either, because I just feel like there's a time crunch on everything right now.

She has awhile yet, God willing, but all of these extraneous factors are making me feel like it can happen before the school year even starts again.

And right after I say I feel numb about it, I feel like I could cry if I let myself, but it's 5:30am and this is not the time. I guess I'm just throwing this out there in hopes that I'll feel better. It's really difficult to know how to handle this, because the communication within the family isn't that great right now, nor has it ever really been completely open. Drawbacks to the practice of "what happens behind closed doors, stays there" - if that's even a legitimate thing.

I think what makes this worse is the fact everyone is freaking out about it, which makes me freak out, and I just feel like this whole "let's go visit her" is the last visitations or something.

I hate it.