Wednesday, April 20, 2011

EIGHT FEARS:

1. The obvious one being spiders and despite seeing them all of the time when I'm at the dorm, the fear hasn't subsided. Fortunately though, I can sometimes kill them without freaking out too badly, which is a step in the right direction. I wouldn't want my kids or any little kid in my family to see me react to a spider and develop a fear like I did!

2. The darkness outside scares me. I like being in my room when it's completely dark, because I have some control over whether or not there's any light, but when you're outside, you can't make the sun come back. It also doesn't help that my older brother and his best friend abandoned me in my massive back yard when it was super dark outside - I probably already told this story, but they were retrieving me from my neighbor's house, because I passed my curfew of 7pm. They did get me, but then they ran ahead of me while laughing and I tried my best to keep up with them. Since they were six years older than me, it was an unfair fight to begin with, but I tried anyway: I ended up falling, losing a flip flop, and crying my eyes out. My mom saw this and did nothing, except make them find my other flip flop, which they said they couldn't. #favoritism at its finest

3. Going deaf and/or blind. The thought terrifies me, because sometimes it can be a slow process, like with old age. I think the slowness of it all would even make the usually optimistic me have a mental breakdown. Never being able to hear music or watch movies, see the smiles of my loved ones and being able to hear them laugh.. there's so much to lose and no gain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

4. The power going out/my battery dying. Even if my phone is REALLY crappy, I need to know that I could contact someone if I had to. That's one of the number one mistakes in a horror movie: you go to a place you've never been to and when you start to get scared, you reach for the phone and you don't have one or the lines are broken. Know that I think about it, I think sometimes you get no signal too.. but in that instance, I'm pretty sure I'd run like a banshee no matter what.

5. Serious conversations. I feel really inept at them, so knowing I have to sit down and talk seriously with someone makes me really uncomfortable. It's hard to convey what I really mean sometimes, so I'm scared that I'll say it wrong and give them the wrong impression. Plus, serious conversations are usually about something awkward, which I can't handle. I have enough awkwardness as it is without having any extra!

6. Vague plans. I am genuinely afraid of how plans will go and will think of the many possible ways they could fail. In a way, it's setting me up for success when I get proven wrong, but the hours before a planned meet-up takes place, I start panicking, causing me to leave early and then I'm there waiting for an hour, stewing in my awkward paranoia. It's manageable when I KNOW the people I'm meeting with, but this Thursday is freaking me out like it's nobody's business, because I don't know what to expect.. at all.

7. Vulnerability. I don't do well with opening myself up for others & I'm a bit of a recluse in that aspect - I don't handle getting hurt very well, so just being placed in any situation where I could be, causes me to feel scared. It's a double edged sword, because if I'm not open, then I'd end up alone but if I do open up, they could see that I'm not always fun or spectacular - either way has me afeared!

8. Whether or not I'd make a good parent or aunt. This is kind of explanatory as is, but my parents did a good job raising me, so that I didn't put focus on the things that don't really matter, such as expensive clothes or flaunting money with material goods in general. I'd wanna instill that sort of independent nature to my kids or niece/nephew, just because the little things end up meaning more. I worry that I won't click well with the personality of them and that I'll have to raise a cheerleader or a football player. Not that anything is wrong with that, perse, but stereotypically they have crappy attitudes. Me + brat = chaos.

2 comments:

  1. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-being-vulnerable-can-expand-your-world/

    You will make a beautiful parent <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. <3 I'm glad to have your indirect advice and your faith =]

    ReplyDelete