SONG #8 = A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR "FIRST LOVE".

#sigh.

When I was younger, even back in pre-k when I was 5, I was QUITE attracted to boys. Even at that age, I was swooning over how boys acted around me, which has fed the never-ending cycle where I have difficulty differentiating between being nice and actual feelings. Because the lines are always blurred, I just assume I am as attractive as a pile of manure. Way too many times did I get overly worked up about a guy, just to find out that I was only a friend or "one of the guys". I wasn't the pretty princess growing up, but rather the tomboy who wore mismatched clothes because I didn't give a shit.

So, I've liked a lot of guys, but I guess there was one in particular who could fit the bill of a "first love". I liked this guy from kindergarten until 5th grade and I probably would have still liked him from that grade on, but he moved without telling anyone during the summer before 6th grade. He was like my best friend and we'd invite each other to our birthday parties and we'd talk on the phone with each other even when we were in kindergarten. My mom always reminds me of how during a conversation I was having with him, I put the phone down (it was corded back then. How retro!) and asked my mom if it was okay to marry him, she laughed and said yes.

I got a marriage proposal, but then when he moves, he doesn't even tell me. Needless to say, I was upset. Years later though, he found me on Myspace and then through IMing him, I found out that he didn't even like me. He liked someone else during that WHOLE span of years, which even though I was much older when I found this out, it was still devastating to know I wasted that part of my life pining for someone who I thought also liked me.

But, back to the blog at hand, this was how I felt about this kid.

I still have this naive image of love, even when I've been proven the opposite each and every time. Sometimes I think something is wrong with my brain or my heart to make me act so idiotic..