My Purpose

I've been messed with, let down, and played too many times. I wonder what people think of me too much and I'm way too judgmental. My heart is big, but I have my selfish moments. I boast about my confidence when in reality I'm just insecure and longing to be accepted. I love to be in big groups but I love to be alone. Every song on my iPod has a special memory or a regret behind it. I don't like going through old pictures because I miss what used to be or who used to be there for me. I'm stuck in the past with my eyes on the future and I often forget about the present. I'm willing to let go of friends so I won't burden them anymore, to stop talking to them so they can find other friends even if it kills me inside and it's not what I want to do. I have all of these barriers in my mind that prevent me from seeing that I'm worth anything. When it comes to pity parties, I'm the reigning champ. I tend to over think things and trust way too many people just to be betrayed. I have the people I'd love to pack up and leave with, and there are some people I wish would just disappear. I don't cry very often, but when I do, I can't stop. I'm full of contradictions and I can't easily define myself. I'm not strong like I try to make myself out to be. I'm afraid of taking chances when I desperately need to so I can redefine my life. I can't handle being compared with other people because it makes me feel like I can never live up to my expectations. I hate being told what to do. I'm incredibly stubborn. Mixed with my nasty temper and attitude problem, I'm not the girl you should mess with. I'd rather silently take comments made by strangers than to stand up for myself. I won't say anything when you take crap about me, but I never forget it. I'm incredibly spiteful and will dish out revenge triple-fold what was done onto me. I hate the word goodbye and I wish it didn't exist. I wish all the time that I could teleport because I never feel like there's enough time for all of the things I want to accomplish. I'm racing to grow up, but I'm clinging to my childhood like the plague. I feel pressure all of the time to become something that I'm not. I hate liars even though I lie myself. I have hidden secrets that even I don't know. I'm jealous of other girls because I feel inferior to them in many aspects. I don't drink or smoke because I feel like that is only for the weak and boring people that don't know how to have a good time normally. I have this inner need to make people happy that often conflicts with my own happiness, but to me it's always worth it to see other people smile. Once my trust is broken, it takes awhile to fix it. I'm not a one-night stand kind of girl and I never will be. I'd rather be lonely and single the rest of my life than to marry or date someone with extensive dating experience. Sad part is that might actually be my preferred way of living if I could just depend on myself. I hate leaning on others, but I'm secretly just waiting for someone to reach out to me. Sometimes I don't practice what I preach and I slip up and I make mistakes. Sometimes I'll even repeat mistakes because I can't seem to learn a lesson about anything. I'm naive, but I'm getting hardened to avoid getting hurt anymore. It will always sting when I do though, especially when I least expect it.

And even though I know all of these little things about myself, I'm still searching for my answers. I'm still painting my life's portrait and I hope that it turns out beautiful, that maybe everyone would come out and see and realize that I'm an example of an imperfect life among the perfection of now. I've had faults and vices; I've been guilty of being a horrible friend and girlfriend. But despite all of that, I want people to see me and realize that even though I may have been that girl, that I've lived my life exactly how I wanted to and I wouldn't let anyone or anything dictate how I should live my life.

It's my life. If you don't like how I live or if you don't like me, then gtfo of my blog, 'kay?

=)