Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm here to talk a little bit about some misconceptions when it comes to friendships and acquaintances.

Friendships, relationships in general, are built on the understanding that there is give and take. However, when we start getting into semantics, such as, 'well, I did this thing for you, so therefore you HAVE to do this thing for me', we start trickling into an area of "friendship" that I'd like to call being an asshat.

It's a weird area, most definitely, because it's almost like what happens when a guy does things for a girl with the thought in the back of his mind that says 'yes, she owes me now, because I'm such a nice guy'. I didn't realize this happened with friendships.

So, let's back up and give some meat to the story!

My roommate, who happens to be a Taurus and I swear I NEVER had anything against them until knowing this person, works at a movie theater and thus gets free movie tickets at said establishment. She asks me to see a movie with her, because she didn't want to go by herself (a point that will be later brought up) and I went. I've never known anyone who worked at a movie theater, so the whole concept of getting in for free was (and is) new to me and uncomfortable. Before every movie experience, I tell her, "I can pay for my own ticket," because she always tells me about how her co-workers get in trouble for going too often, and also because I don't like feeling indebted to people, especially people who annoy the shit out of me with prolonged exposure.

So fast forward to now, after seeing maybe 8 movies for free (I'm not counting, but it's probably less than 10) and now (10:50 pm on a Wednesday), this happens:

Roommate: Did you eat dinner?

Me: Yes!

Roommate: Lameee. Wanna go to Alehouse with me anyway?

Me: Not especially! I already showered and am getting ready for bed

Roommate: Come on!

Roommate: I'm hungryyyyyyy

Me: Noooooo

Roommate: You're so mean! I get you into all these movies for free and this is how you repay me!

Wait, what? Suddenly an act of friendship is being used against me. Okay. That's new. Didn't realize I was entitled to do things I don't want to do, because you did something YOU wanted to. Gotcha.

Me: I could pay for my movies if it bothers you!

Roommate: I'm just proving a point. If I do you favors then you should do favors for meee. Like coming to Alehouse with me so that I don't have to eat alone

Me: I've gone to my fair share of restaurants alone! It builds character!

Roommate: well, in the next two weeks when I'm gone you can go to as many restaurants alone as you like. But for now I'm still here and I don't wanna go alone

Me: still not goinggggg~

Roommate: Meannn! That's okay I'll just starve

Me: guilt tactics won't work!

Roommate: you should feel guilty! Now I'm gonna be hungry for the rest of the night

Me: too bad I don't feel guilty :D

Roommate: that's because you're so mean!!!!

And this is where I have all of my issues. Why should I feel guilty over something that's not my problem? Answer: I shouldn't.

Eating alone in a restaurant is not the end of the world. As I said, I've done it NUMEROUS times, whether by my own volition or because I had no other option. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why going to a restaurant alone is a big deal... or why going through a drive thru couldn't be an option if you were so hell bent on having company with your meal.

Friendship isn't about keeping score of how much you're doing for one person and trying to make it equal. I mean, maybe sometimes it could be and it'll work out, but you should want to do something for someone because YOU WANT TO. When it comes to people I genuinely care about, I'm not like, "well, ____, I've done such a such a thing for you, so you HAVE to do this for me." Who does that?

Answer: MY ROOMMATE.

I could probably talk about this until thy kingdom come, because this frustrates me beyond belief.

And then the fact that she wanted to see the movie at a time that wasn't convenient for me, because of a TV show, and she's like, "ugh! just download it or watch it the day after tomorrow" and I say, "I wouldn't guilt you to make you miss your favorite show" and she says, "well, I wouldn't throw a fit like you are if I did miss it"

I'm sorry. It's almost as if we have different priorities in life and I'm supposed to feel bad, because I don't deem you important enough to miss something I actually enjoy. That seems logical.

I can't wait to move out. It cannot happen soon enough. There are no more words.

In a contradiction to my previous post -

this girl took her exam like the first week of June, passed, and is now ACLS certified, which is what I should have done while waiting to take my exam, except I'm dumb and didn't, so now I have to wait until July, potentially, to get certified in that. And apparently now she's got a potential job at a PACU somewhere in town and I just...

Lessons

Do not, under any circumstances, avoid something you're afraid of, especially when you are Facebook friends with people who have to face the same fate as you, because when they succeed, you will see it, and you will wish you hadn't waited.

Anything they can do, you can do too.

Just because you're afraid of something, doesn't make it less inevitable. The only way you can control your fate is by making a conscious effort to do your best and hope it's enough.

Always microwave soup with plenty of paper plates underneath the bowl. You never know when you're going to spill some scalding soup on your finger, causing you to get a first degree burn.

Just because you get burned in life, that doesn't mean you'll scar, and even if you do, it doesn't have to be a part of you that mars your outlook on life. One 'flaw' does not ruin you. It only enhances your character while giving you new and thicker skin.

Exercise caution, but don't ever let it stop you from enjoying life or that soup you burned yourself with. There are plenty more events and soups to be had.

Someday, there's going to be someone who loves everything about you, including your real or imagined flaws. This person should be yourself. Consider yourself blessed to find someone who truly loves you in that same capacity you love yourself, because they will surely be blessed to be with you.

A lot of the people who I graduated with have taken their license exam already and have passed, but with each post I see about it with a picture of their results, I'm overcome with conflicted feelings.

I'm really happy they passed, because the program was really difficult and we made it through together. There's a sense of camaraderie in the fact that if one succeeds, then we all can succeed, because we've been through worse.

But then it's like, I really wish you wouldn't be posting all of this celebratory stuff, because I'm not even sure if I will pass, which is a really selfish and insecure thing to say, but seeing people happy about passing makes me feel like I can't pass, for whatever reason.

And then it gets worse. Because they've passed/took the test before me, they can start applying for jobs sooner than I could, even if I rushed and did that immediately. For the most part, people are staying in the area, which means I'm less likely to get where I want to be. I've basically resigned myself to wanting ANY job, which by definition isn't terrible, because I could theoretically move to any unit I'd want later on and I need experience anyway, but in reality, it's more like I don't have confidence in myself to outshine any of these people in the interview process or even skills wise on the off chance I have to compete with these people for a position.

I'm studying every day by doing practice questions and I feel like I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm doing enough while at the same time I feel like it's not enough. If that makes sense.

I'm feeling insecure about waiting so long to take my test, as if the extra 10+ days of questions will make any difference whatsoever with me passing or not.

I initially picked the date because I wanted the day to be a happy memory.

But then I think, well, what if it just makes the day worse? Or, even worse, why do I NEED to have a happy memory on that day in the first place? It's been nearly 3 years - shouldn't the day mean nothing to me?

I could have picked sooner - preferably even still in the 20s, but the early 20s nonetheless - but I'm just not feeling confident, which is affecting everything.

It's making it so I want to procrastinate (I started playing a facebook game when I swore I would never play another one; I've read manga all day at one point - I can't even begin to list the amount of manga I've completed or started during this time) and there's nothing wrong with choosing to not study for a little bit. I'm more than aware that studying 24/7 with no breaks isn't a good thing. I'm aware that other people haven't studied this entire time since graduation, as evidenced by seeing pictures of them having fun and going on vacations and things like that.

I don't even have proof that I'm any less superior than the people I've graduated with, but for some reason I feel like I am, because even though I know there are people who wouldn't study all day every day, I'm convinced that I'm not taking this seriously enough and that I'm the one doomed to fail, which is such a horrible outlook to have before I even take the test.

I'm so happy for people who have passed, but each pass picture just reminds me of how devastated I will be if I don't pass, of how scared I am to get into that test center and forget even the most simple of things, of how scared I am that the computer will turn off after 75 questions not because I've passed exceptionally already but because I've failed so atrociously.

Everyone's dreams are becoming reality with the passing of this exam and this is honestly just one small step along life's journey, but I feel like so much is weighing on me. I almost feel like my reasons for being a nurse alone aren't good enough.

Some of these people have wanted to be a nurse since forever, whether it's because it's what their parents/families do, which seems to be the majority, or because they've experienced good nursing by being hospitalized at some point and being inspired by them.

Working in the medical field wasn't necessarily my first choice - it was something almost ingrained that that's what I should aim for, because "people always get sick," "you're so smart - I know you can do it," "it pays well", and it was just something I began to expect of myself as if to prove my worth that I COULD do it. It also didn't help that I had no other goals/dreams to hold on to that I ever took seriously.

I didn't pick nursing until senior year of high school, although apparently that's what I put in my 8th grade yearbook for my dream job, and the reason why I changed my mind from "pre-med" to nursing was because of the nurse anesthetist presenter during career day. Here was a job that paid well that also allowed you to have time to raise a family - and that was all I needed. In the time of my life where I thought I found the guy I was going to marry/live with one day, that was all the convincing I needed.

Ultimately, I made my decision on my major/future based on a relationship that didn't even last and by the time the relationship had finally ended, I couldn't change my mind. I was accepted into the program and decided to see it through, because I wanted to help people.

Yes, I did volunteer in the hospital gift shop in high school for community hours. Yes, I loved delivering presents to patient's rooms. Yes, I loved seeing the patients smile, because their family that lives out of state loves them so much that they telephone ordered balloons/stuffed animals for them. Yes, that one moment where a patient told me I made his day made me so unbelievably happy that I was convinced that this is what I want to do - make people happy, make a difference in a simple way.

But I'm so unsure of whether this is what I was born to do. I'm not the best at chitchat, which is something necessary. I get so worried about how I come off as to patients that there would be some days during clinical where I wouldn't know what to say. Yes, I may be able to study well, but that doesn't necessarily make me smart in other aspects necessary for this path. I almost feel like my reasons for wanting to be a nurse are childish and idealistic, because shouldn't EVERY nurse want to help people or be the nurse they would want for their own family?

Feeling insecure/inferior and comparing are my least favorite things, because nothing good comes from it. I don't feel inspired to become a better person or to change anything. I just kind of wallow in it when this happens. I get inspired by a good grade or reading a question and knowing the answer immediately; I get inspired by watching movies like Whisper of the Heart and remembering that just because I'm a rock, that doesn't mean that deep inside there isn't potential.

I feel better typing it all out, which I hoped would be the case, even if this entire post doesn't seem like I'm better off than where I started.

I don't think the conflicted feelings will go away until I take my test, do my best, and get my results.

I try to tell myself every day that just because I'm going slower than everyone doesn't mean I won't finish. I will finish and I'll see this through. This is just one small moment in a life that will, hopefully, last 50+ more years at the very least.

(spoilers~)

This sex god aka Kimblee, a man of many titles. Whether it's the Mad Bomber or the Crimson Alchemist, his reputation is well deserved for his specialty.

Between the sounds of explosions, the act of creating said explosions and people screaming, Kimblee can be considered a conductor. He derives pleasure from hearing these sounds, saying they are practically a lullaby for him. Bear in mind, this is all information gathered within the first conversation we witness with him.

There's something completely intriguing about a character who's so passionate about something like causing destruction, who takes such pride with his craft, who wishes for nothing more than to make "beautiful" music. You can just look at his face and KNOW that this will be an interesting character even without knowing him.

He challenges the "good" characters in the series by dropping bombs of truth. Kimblee, a man who gets his kicks off of doing his civic duty in Ishval, confronts soldiers like Mustang & Hawkeye, even Hughes, by saying they were the ones who chose this path when they are feeling guilty for senselessly killing Ishvalans. Kimblee goes further to say that the least they can do is remember the faces of those they've killed, because those people will never forget them. And Kimblee ACTUALLY remembers each person he's killed or attempted to kill, as evidenced by the fact he remembers Scar ("his handiwork"), even years after the war.

Whether you prefer him in FMA or Brotherhood, the fact remains that this guy strictly follows his own code and favors those who stand by their convictions/beliefs. He doesn't put up with hypocrisy - in fact, he will call you out on it and make you rue the day you decided to be hypocritical - case in point, in Brotherhood, when he gives Ed the opportunity to defeat Pride, because Pride was attempting to use a human to save his life after Pride claimed to be a superior being.

And ever since Ashley mentioned it, I agree that Kimblee would have been the PERFECT Pride. Seriously. He does things for his own benefit and he does so with all this confidence in the world, because he KNOWS he can. He's so sadistic and twisted with a dark sense of humor. What's not to love? He's just such an interesting villain/antagonist, although I suppose in comparison to who the actual villains are, he's more like a sub-villain.

Even his death is satisfying, at least in FMA, where we come full circle and Scar gets the revenge he's been seeking the entire time and Kimblee's basically the reason why Al even becomes the Philosopher's Stone in the first place. Without Al's involvement in the fight, who knows how the series could have ended. But Kimblee's last and final moments were spent creating a bomb out of Al's armor that would be his most beautiful yet - he's saying as he's rubbing his face on Al's leg, but I digress.

And then in Brotherhood when he provides Ed a distraction so he could defeat Pride and the last we see of Kimblee is him tipping his hat like the badass he is.

You never know where you stand with him or where his true loyalties lie, but you're guaranteed for one hell of a show if he's anywhere in the vicinity, because he will make his presence known and he will have your attention.

What's there to say about Roy Mustang?

SPOILERS - he's the best. (But seriously, spoilers are throughout, especially towards the end)

He's been a favorite for about 10 years now and when it comes down to WHY he's a favorite, I'm at a loss as to where to begin or even which verse I should talk about, because while it's the same character in both series + manga, he goes through different experiences, which thus, forms his character in different aspects.

Ultimately, what I love most about Roy is his unwavering loyalty for his friends. He has one of my favorite friendships with the ever amazing Maes Hughes, who also makes the list for a post about him somewhere down the line, but he also has a great team behind him to help support him to get him to the top.

I love how ambitious he is. Starting out as a soldier, even though soldiers who specialize in alchemy, especially the sort of alchemy this guy can do, doesn't necessarily mean he has no rank... I'm pretty sure state alchemists are granted a much higher starting rank than regular soldiers, but I don't know for sure what level they start as. Regardless, he starts out in Ishbal/Ishval and things go to hell - Roy gets what appears to be his first taste of what war really means. This comes in the shape of following difficult orders and augmenting the war by his own hands.

This affects Roy in two ways, depending on which series you watch, but Roy decides that he's going to work his way up the chain of command in order to change the country, so that orders like the ones he had to carry out in Ishbal/Ishval never happen again. So that people like Ed, who join the military at such a young age, never have to stain their hands the way he's had to. Roy has such great vision for the country and the determination to see it through.

You can tell a lot about a character by their relationships and how they treat those relationships. Roy has complete faith in his team and treats each of them as the important people they are. As awesome as Roy is, you can't play a game of chess with only a king and expect to win or get anywhere. The camaraderie within Team Mustang is one of my absolute favorite things about FMA - there aren't enough words to fully describe how perfect it is, unless you see it, which is why in FMA, my favorite episodes are usually centered around Team Mustang or Roy/Ed - a surprise to absolutely no one.

Sometimes Roy's actions are misinterpreted - he acts as the bad guy in order to get things done. An example being in Brotherhood when he scorches Maria Ross after learning she murdered someone important to him and Ed finds her corpse + Roy standing over it and Ed yells at him, because how could he do this when it's obvious she didn't do anything. To which Roy responds by saying, "he's just following orders," which obviously upsets Ed even more. You learn later on that he didn't actually kill Maria, but rather provided her the means to disappear, so she wouldn't HAVE to be killed.

Roy takes the fall for the people he cares about. He gets the military off the Elrics' tail when they come looking for them in Risembool after they had ran away from the Liore/Philosopher's Stone incident. Let's think about this for a second. Roy is a significant player in the military - he's the flame alchemist, but he's also high in ranks. He's the one who FOUND Ed right after the whole human transmutation happened and told him to take the state exam, so you would think the military would account for him covering for Ed when Ed & Al are trying to recoup. Roy goes to the train station where the military has just arrived and we're shown a soundless scene with Roy arguing with the military personnel. You can see that he's trying his hardest, but the military doesn't leave until Roy bows in a sign of begging them to turn around/go elsewhere.

Roy. Fucking. Mustang. BOWED to people who were most likely below him in rank in order to protect the Elric brothers.

He bows to no one -  he doesn't even show his fear as he confronts Bradley about him being a homunculus; you can only SEE his fear when he exits the room - but when it comes to people he cares about, he doesn't hold back and will resort to anything in order to protect them - the Lustang scene and the Roy/Envy scene, especially, being great examples of how far he's willing to go in Brotherhood.

This is barely skimming the surface, but his devotion to his country & his friends is my #1 reason for loving him. The only way I would ever serve in the military would be if I was guaranteed to have a leader like Mustang to follow, because I believe he exemplifies all that's necessary to be a good leader.

Also, because his voice and entire being is attractive like whoa ;)

Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm incapable of comparing two characters I love without having a tinge of bias.

Even when I ultimately admire one character more so over the other, I can't deal with people belittling the other's intentions, especially when ignoring the fact that BOTH of the characters, not just one, have been jerks at some point.

sitting in my shame

WHAT I LEARNED IN CLINICAL IS

So, last night was my last critical care clinical (not like we had very many, just two) and it was interesting!

I got to my unit super early and obviously nervous/excited, because it'll be the type of unit I'm on starting March, but the night certainly dragged.

It started feeling like a slow crawl at 8 pm and there was SO much night left.

Lessons learned:

1. 6 beers, rum, + Jager (that looks beyond weird. Germany, why?) = just enough alcohol to be kicked out of somewhere for disorderly conduct. But you shouldn't stop there, yelling at the cops who are flashing their flashlights at you is a much better and smarter alternative. You only turn 40 once! And they'll only have you in jail until you sober up.
2. If my family was in the ICU, I'd hover over the nurses taking care of my loved one too. Can't really blame her for doing that, even though we were doing all we could for someone who's prognosis was really bad.
3. Bring more than one book. Never underestimate the power/longevity of a slow night shift.
4. The cafeteria, at least where I was, is open at 2 am. This does not necessarily mean you should eat there.
5. Always make sure you can go back in the way you came, otherwise, you have five flights of stairs in the sketchy part of the hospital to go up.
6. A "thank you, m'am" or any other sincere form of thanks does the heart good. Manners, in general, make the world a much more tolerable place.
7. When a ventilator gets pulled off while turning a patient, you can have your moment of panic, but you should probably try to set that back up, so your comatose patient can breathe.
8. A hot doctor + a unit full of women = laughter! I'm glad to know things don't change that much :) Especially when factoring in the fact he jogs shirtless around his neighborhood and the many comments/stories about that!
9. Rectal tubes are no joke. 0/10 would not recommend.
10. There is such a thing as fantasy golf.

I did a good deed this morning, which would normally be unrelated, except for the fact that the favor was later returned to me when some kind stranger turned in my phone to the lost and found, because, me being the idiot that I am, left it in the library when I was rushing around to print things.

So, thank you, Universe ♥

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL.

I found out yesterday evening, as the best Valentine’s Day present in my life thus far, that I got an ICU position for my internship/preceptorship and it’s going to be at the hospital that I was born in and it’s a night shift, which is what I wanted, even though day shift would be nice, considering I still have classes to attend during day time, BUT I DON’T EVEN CARE.

Just good news all around and I had to share ♥

So, I was having a really good day prior to some relatively dumb things that happened once my dad got home from work.

First of all, I've been told from the get-go that they would both be working late, later than usual, on their days off, and all that jazz. I've basically been told that during spring break and after I graduate, only my dad could get time off, so any potential plans I had have been shot.

I find all of this out on Tuesday night when I got home. But it's no big deal, because I might have an exam over spring break or something and my program requires us to take a class AFTER we've already graduated, but they won't provide any information about it so you could plan around it.

So, today I decided to wake up at 10, because I deserve to sleep in, because 10am is sleeping in.

Obviously, I'm hungry when I wake up, so because I didn't want to make anything, I had a little bag of chips.

After awhile, I realized that I was still hungry, because, obviously, a snack bag of chips isn't going to satiate me.

I heated up a McChicken that mom brought home for me yesterday. I ate that.

Around 2:30, I was hungry again, so I had a salad that mom made for me.

Around 3, my mom texts me asking if I want dad to bring home Chinese food. I told her yes and that I already ate, so I'll be saving a lot of it for tomorrow.

Dad gets home around 3:45 and within 10 minutes of him being home, he asks me when we are decorating the tree, which by the way, is a new tree, because dad threw our other one away and replaced it with a tree that I'm taller than. So, I said, "why not on Sunday, so mom can decorate it too?" To which, he responds by telling me that he's working on Sundays, so that's not an option. So, I say, "well... I guess I'll just decorate the tree alone then," because when dad gets home he wants to watch Netflix/TV and when mom gets home she wants to relax and watch TV.

Dad says, "well, let me get you the decorations then." He goes into the garage and is out there for a long time. I ask him what's  taking so long and he says, "I can't find them. I think I threw them away."

Cue segway.

This wouldn't be the first time he's thrown them away. We used to have a lot of home-made decorations that me and my brother made when we were little. We used to have our hand-prints as ornaments and art we drew/painted in school. But, because he keeps the decorations in a trash-bag AND in the garage, they were thrown away about 5 years ago.

Back to the discussion.

"You threw them away, again? You'd think after the first time you wouldn't put them in a trash-bag..." At this point, I'm already upset, because how dumb do you have to be to repeat that mistake again.

He searches my brother's room and then demands to search in my room, which would never be used for storage, because it's as messy as when I left for college. Doesn't matter. Goes into my room and starts digging through my stuff while I'm standing at the door saying, "those are mom's Christmas presents. I put them there yesterday..." and he questions if they are, so he decides to LOOK just to make sure.

Good thing I haven't bought him anything, because he would have seen them.

So, he's just like, "welp, I'm sorry. I'm gonna get a shower and we can watch Netflix."

So we sit down to watch Vampire Diaries and Netflix won't work. He starts freaking out but he won't actually read what the error was for Netflix or process that maybe Netflix streaming doesn't work 100% of the time.

So I say, "let's just watch something on TV". He suggests watching a Christmas movie and I say no, because frankly I'm not in the mood to watch anything. He says, "okay. Put what we want on." I put Fairly Odd Parents on, because Spongebob comes on afterwards.

I end up changing it to Suite Life of Zack and Cody, because I was looking through the guide. He sees the episode and says, "I think I remember watching this." I change the channel back to Fairly Odd Parents and a Christmas commercial comes on with kids playing with their toys around the tree with their parents there. I leave to go to the bathroom, because I started tearing up.

As I'm in the bathroom for all of 2 minutes, dad changes the channel to a Christmas movie. I walk back out and pack up my Chinese food, because not only am I not hungry, I'm just not in the mood. Don't tell me to put what I want on if you're just going to change it yourself.

So, he changes the channel back. He looks at me and says, "are you crying" and I say "no." He's talking during the show and I just "hm" every now and then.

He gets up to throw away the trash and gets another drink, when he opens the fridge he sees my Chinese food. He says, "you didn't finish your Chinese food. Are you THAT disappointed?" I say, "no. I've already ate. I told mom."

So, he says, "well, why did you do that?" and I said, "because I've been up since 10??? am I supposed to just starve while I wait for you to get home???" and he says, "you could have just had a snack or something rather than a meal..."

I don't say anything.

He goes to look for the ornaments in my brother's room again and ends up remembering they were in a bin in that room. He brings the bin and puts it next to the tree.

Spongebob's on at this point and I'm not happy, but I'm not AS upset.

Dad asks if I want to try watching Netflix again. I say no. As if watching Spongebob was not the way he wanted to spend his family time with me.

Another episode of Spongebob comes on and in an effort to make conversation, I say, "this is one of the best episodes" because it was the F.U.N. episode and it's one of my favorites *shocker*

Before F.U.N. even starts, dad says, "I'm gonna take a nap." and I say, "okay."

After the episode is over, I turn the TV off and go on the computer. He says, "you didn't have to turn the TV off." and I say, "well, there's no point in it being on if I'm on the computer and you're taking a nap."

And mom gets home at like 6 or so, my mood is no better than it was.

Dad tries to go on Netflix and picks a random show in the instant queue, which happens to be HIMYM, which I've been watching in order since I've only ever watched random episodes. He starts playing an episode and then goes to try to find another HIMYM episode to watch. I say, "can you not? I'm watching that." he continues. "I'm watching that." Mom has to repeat that I'm watching the show and he gets all snippy.

So, when he goes to bed, he stops at the computer and says, "well, I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow." Nice. So he says, "are you upset because of some bullshit online or something?" I say no.

When he leaves the room, mom starts asking what's wrong and what's bothering me.

And I'm just really done. My lacrimal glands are certainly working to their best capacity.

I just don't like the connotations that I shouldn't eat when I'm by myself, which was already a problem I used to have.

In between the thought that the replacement decorations could be thrown away again, the food issue, the fact what I wanted to watch wasn't good enough after I was already told I could watch whatever I wanted, the HIMYM... I'm just not in a good mood. At all. :/

Who knew reblogging something that said

Texting Buddy Application.

• Name:
• Where you are from:
• Timezone:
• Age:
• When I Can Text You:
• How Fast You Respond:
• Anything Else:
• Favorite kind of music:
• SEND APPLICATION TO ASK BOX !!
• *If accepted, I'll ask for your number*

WOULD GET ME THE PHONE NUMBER OF THIS AMAZING GUY AND HE'S TEXTING ME RIGHT NOW AND I PROBABLY LOOK LIKE A MASSIVE IDIOT. I CAN'T STOP SMILING. HOLY SHIT.

Homestuck music appreciation post? SURE

Because the other blogging website sucks when it comes to searching for things, I figured it'd be better to get all my favorite tracks in one place. They won't be in any particular order :D

Under a page break, because I can see this getting really long and homestuck has already taken over my entire life.

I think I'm paranoid...

Making a mental note now, because I'm sure this will come up again or I'll have to document when I first noticed symptoms.

Either earlier this past weekend, but definitely now, I've noticed that my face is looking a little pink almost purpley. This wouldn't be alarming if I had gotten some serious sun exposure, but I haven't. The only time I go out into sunlight is when I walk to my car, walk from my car to my class building, and make that trip back to my car. So, basically, my only exposure to sunlight is when I go to class, clinical, or I go out to eat.

I haven't changed my shampoo or my soap or my face wash. It can't be because I'm allergic to something, because nothing has changed.

And I'm already paranoid as it is and none of the stuff I've learned in Nursing school is helping to alleviate my  paranoia...

If I'm diseased, I just want to know. I want to take my mind off of it if that's the case, but I don't want to bring it up or ASK if the bridge of my nose/cheeks look pink/purpley. I think it may be the lighting in my bathroom, but sometimes in other places, it looks almost the same.

I really want to attribute this to bright lighting but I'm not sure how much denial I'm willing to dish out before it gets really old and tiring.

But seriously - the fact my face is developing what would appear to be a butterfly rash, the fact I feel tired all the time even after I wake up after 8 hours of sleep, the fact that I'm in my 20s, the fact I'm a female, the fact I have a family history, the fact that IF it's what I think it is I won't know exactly because it doesn't affect everybody the same and symptoms vary and start at different times for everyone...

Let's just say if I DO get that and that's what this is, do you realize how paranoid I will be? Because of all the things to get, it may as well affect EVERY organ system, even my beloved kidneys.

And even if it's NOT what I think it is, knowing there's still a strong probability that it will happen and that I could find out the same way my mom did? No dice.

I am not equipped for any of this and I may go through periods where I think I can, but I don't think I'll be able to look positively on something that throws a wrench at my entire life.

And maybe that's something I would have to learn over time, but I really don't need this stress right now and if I could just alleviate this through some simple means, I'd love that more than anything. But it's not that simple.

I'm just going to go to bed and pretend nothing's the matter and that it's all in my head, because, hopefully, that's all it is.

I wanted to copy down a funny moment that happened, but I can't remember how we got onto the topic in the first place.

I remember now!

For sim lab, we had to know how to do blood transfusions, what to monitor for, how long to monitor, etc. So, I was talking with Dave about it when Jenna and Rebecca walked up and Dave asked us collectively what the universal donor was. We all said O and then Dave went off on a tangent and was like, "That's also Jesus's blood type." And we looked at him and said, "how would you know what his blood type was?" Dave  started talking about the shroud and how it left his face imprinted onto it and how there was blood on it, so they cross-typed it. As Dave is trying to explain that, Rebecca says, "I'm pretty sure they didn't know blood types back then," which made Jenna and I laugh, but then Dave said, "I'm talking about the shroud, though, and it happened recently." Rebecca looks at Dave and says, "The shroud?" Dave asks her how she doesn't know what the shroud is. Rebecca says, "I don't know! I'm Jewish, man."

Too many of these stories are only funny, because of the people involved. I wish I could video tape my life, so I could share these moments with people. It's really disappointing when all of these moments involve situational humor :[

On another topic, as much as I make fun of Dave and give him shit for not knowing things, he's a pretty cool/funny guy, whether he's trying to be funny intentionally or otherwise. He's such an asshole and he never stops arguing his point even when he's proven wrong. It's easy to forget that he's 25, because he can be such an idiot sometimes. But, without that, I wouldn't get the opportunity to laugh so much during clinical days or lab days, even if it's at his expense. I'd like to think we're friends - the kind that aren't actually friends but associate, because we're both sarcastic and we belittle other people, jokingly.

I've certainly come a long way since December 2010. I still get the feeling that I'm bothering the people I do talk to and that feeling where I'll just keep to myself until someone talks to me, but other than that, a lot of improvement and resurrection of the old me! Well, not really the old me, but an enhanced, "I know better than to make the same mistakes again" me :P

I'd like to think it's because I'm forced to interact with people, because of my major, but I do attribute a majority of my personal growth to the friends that stuck by me when I didn't think I had any!

I say this about every chance I get when I'm feeling whimsical and reminiscent, but I really am thankful for the people that stuck around, listened to my problems, and let me grow from where I was without having to remind me of my follies.

That list of people is surprisingly small, but honestly, I'm beyond pleased with what has been given to me. I'm a firm believer of quality over quantity and every time I mention this I always feel really hoity-toity that I'm so happy with my handful of loved ones, but I can't help but feel really proud and blessed to feel the amount of love I do.

I've always been a really loving person and the type that would do anything for her friends/family, but I never had the same treatment given back to me, at least from the friends I used to have. Maybe from a few, but looking at who's here now, I can't help but feel like, while that relationship was a mistake, it helped me, because now I know who's really worthy of my love and affection.

Even when I was a little chitlin at the age of 13, I would say I would do anything for a friend, whether it was helping them at the expense of myself or to be the person that had to hurt their feelings in order for them to open their eyes to what was happening. Even back then, I can remember being hurt, because my 'friends' would do all of these hurtful things, like talking ill of me because I talked to someone or hating who I was dating at the time and ignoring me, rather than talking to me about it. I'd like to think my little group would afford the same courtesy to me.

I will take even just 1 friend if they could do that for me. The entire world could hate me and do nothing but tear me down, but if I had one friend to be that person for me, nothing else would matter.

I'm lucky enough to have that sort of unconditional love from my parents and maybe in two other people.

It's funny how disjointed this post is, considering how it started off and where I'm ending this. Guess that's one other commonality between 2004!me and the me right now - I've never been able to string together my thoughts coherently :P

At least I don't end every sentence with lol.

My worries from the previous post became a reality.

My grandma, affectionately known as Mom, passed away; I didn't expect to go to bed and wake up finding that an important person in my life wouldn't be here anymore. I'm going to miss you, Mom ♥ The silver lining is that now you won't be hurting and you can breathe easier, but I'm going to be missing you very much. From helping me to learn the difference between plant and planet/couch and coach and how to spell government, teaching me how to cook eggs when I was a freshmen in high school, and supporting me by being my biggest fan - I can only hope that I might be able to make as big of a difference in someone's life as you made in mine. You've officially been my best freind since first grade when I gave you a stick figure drawing of us in our colors, purple and pink. I was purple, because that was my favorite color, and even when I outgrew it and started liking blue, you'd always pick the color purple in board games and it made me happy, because it made me think you picked it thinking of me. For all I know, you just really liked the color purple ♥ You'll always be my best freind, because our friendship isn't ending no matter what ♥ I love you so much ♥

Copy and pasted, because I can't emote anymore right now.

A lot of stuff is happening in the family and I'm feeling really numb about everything, which is scary/off-putting. I just don't want to think it's actually happening, so I'm choosing to ignore it. I also don't know what to do, because I can't do anything to fix it except sit idly by and know it's happening.

I remember in 2009 or so, I started crying because I got so scared at the thought, and now that all of this is almost imminent, I can't express anything or maybe I should say, I don't want to express anything. I've never dealt with anything like this before and I don't know where to start or how to go about it. I'm really scared that I can't keep a promise I made to myself about it either, because I just feel like there's a time crunch on everything right now.

She has awhile yet, God willing, but all of these extraneous factors are making me feel like it can happen before the school year even starts again.

And right after I say I feel numb about it, I feel like I could cry if I let myself, but it's 5:30am and this is not the time. I guess I'm just throwing this out there in hopes that I'll feel better. It's really difficult to know how to handle this, because the communication within the family isn't that great right now, nor has it ever really been completely open. Drawbacks to the practice of "what happens behind closed doors, stays there" - if that's even a legitimate thing.

I think what makes this worse is the fact everyone is freaking out about it, which makes me freak out, and I just feel like this whole "let's go visit her" is the last visitations or something.

I hate it.

Homestuck

I have decided to copy down some beautiful quotes from Homestuck, because these lines are pure gold. I'll just randomly add to this post to make my life easier rather than having a billion posts containing Homestuck lines.

*edit* this is more like where I'll flail about Homestuck at this point...

"it's like fucking Christmas up in here"

"WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL?!?!"

Dave is a brilliant human being (just this entire fucking dialogue. I laughed the entire time so I bookmarked it in case I ever needed a pick-me-up... or in this case a wheeze, because I laughed like Itchy from All Dogs Go To Heaven)

"C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS?"

"This human emotion called friendship."

"This troll disease called friendship."

LOL (I abhorrently hated the darker blue's character, but ohmygod, this changed my mind. Yup, this entire conversation is perfect!)

"but seriously what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around"
"TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL1ED 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON"
"ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks"
(have I mentioned that I love Dave?)

Karkat lecturing Dave & John (this entire link is golden. ALL THE SHIPPING.)

"HERE, JOHN HUMAN DIPSHIT. HAVE A SECOND AND PENULTIMATE FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. MAY IT MARK THE SECOND OF MANY TO COME AND THE MAGNIFICENT DENOUEMENT TO MANY RECEIVED. TOGETHER WE JUST TUGGED AT THE BOW TO UNRAVEL A PRESENT FULL OF GO FUCK YOURSELF" (Oh, Karkat...)

perfection

I'M SORRY THAT I'M NOT SORRY  (GOD, NEPETA, COULD YOU BE MORE OF A GPOY. SRSLY, U GUISE, SRSLY. She is my life.)

okay, I haven't been updating this with my favorite lines, which is unfortunate, but here's this - It's basically Act 6 Intermission 1 that I love, but it mostly starts from here until the end of the intermission. I'm sorry, but I was dying, so it needs to be posted. Act 6 Intermission 1 Brilliance

All Striders are perfect - seriously. This new Strider is already perfect.

why are you doing this? Seriously, Hussie, WHY.
I can't stop. I don't know whether to rejoice or facepalm or laugh.
Jane, I know that feel.

I'm just going to say  this right now - I love you. You said this earlier and I thought, "Hey, that's something I would say..." and then.. what I tagged previous. It's settled. You're in my favorites now - let's hope you don't disappoint me, which you won't.
*EDIT: ON JULY 28, 2012, I LEARNED YOUR NAME. YOU DO NOT DISAPPOINT. AT ALL.*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY SHIP. MY SHIP. MY SHIP. ALL OF MY SHIPS I CAN'T. I seriously can't. Oh. My. God. HUSSIE.

KARKAT. ACT 6 INTERMISSION 2. YOU ARE A FAVORITE. ALL OF YOU. I can't even select a page to quote. From Dave talking about apple juice to Karkat - I've lost the ability to even.
I lied - Dave & Karkat - I never knew how much I wanted this to happen until it did.

omfg, Hussie, you did not just quote Dragonball Z. Let me love you down~

Fact: boners are discussed and I can't even.

July 9, 2012 is by far my favorite update of Homestuck thus far and for obvious reasons. I've known for awhile that I wanted a hoodie from Homestuck and NOW I know whose hoodie I want to rep for the rest of my life. Oh my goodness. I want two hoodies to be honest, but as far as what the first one would be? Everyone needs to back up, because this specific character deserves all my love and affection til the end of time.

Okay, so Blogger apparently has a read more option, which is fantastic, because I have Ano Hana feels and I need an outlet of some sort.

Spoilers beyond the read more!!

I'd rather die than be with you

And you dropped the note and we changed key

You changed yourself and I changed me

I really didn't see us singing through this

Then you screamed the bridge

and I cried the verse

and our chorus came out unrehearsed

and you smiled the whole way through it -

I guess maybe that's what's worse.