sitting in my shame

and in that moment all those posts related to suicide and grades made perfect sense

I GENUINELY don’t understand why my 84% probability of passing my boards is such a big deal that now I have to get a 95% probability.

Like excuse me. The university does not PAY to take my boards, I do. If I’m comfortable with my 16% chance of failure then leave me be.

I’m GLAD I know my chances of passing the big test are that high. Why is that not good enough for the program? Because if I DO fail, it reflects poorly on them.

So now I have to feel like a failure and listen to the LEAST therapeutic teacher tell me, “you have a ways to go.”

Thanks for that.

Like I hadn’t spent an hour in my car crying and attempting to console myself so I could sit through her shit “counseling” session, which involved telling me that I have a ways to go.

THERE’S A PROBLEM WHEN I’M WALKING TO HER OFFICE AND THE GIRL WHO WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME DURING THE TEST IS CRYING WHILE WALKING AWAY.

I’m pretty sure we feel bad enough as it is without the unnecessary bullshit like, “well, no wonder you failed, because I didn’t tell you to study that way. You should have listened to my instructions.”

I KNOW I didn’t study as much as I would have liked and your method was probably a good one if I had NO classes or clinicals to worry about, but, as usual, that’s not the case.

It’s bad enough I did NOTHING over spring break, except for 3 12 hour clinicals and study for this dumb exam which, in the end, amounted to NOTHING, because I didn’t meet the goal - but then to have it all thrown back in my face VERBALLY by this woman who LEANED over to look at my screen and said, “you got this score when you needed this score, so you need to see me in my office,” IN THE QUIET ROOM WHERE EVERYONE IS TAKING THE EXAM.

YOU COULD HAVE JUST WRITTEN ON THE BOARD, “ANYONE WHO GETS BELOW THIS SCORE SHOULD COME TO MY OFFICE AT SUCH AND SUCH TIME”. LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO MENTION NAMES.

but no.

Instead, I have this woman, who has little to no compassion for our predicament (because who could ever empathize with people who can’t even meet the minimum requirement), lean over me in a small room of 20 computers to tell me that I didn’t pass in front of my peers.

I was not able to look at my score and compute what that meant without her verbal verification.

Thanks. So. Fucking. Much.

S/N: not that I’d commit suicide or self harm (although making other poor decisions sounds like a good idea to me) over this, but because of not getting a 90% on my first attempt —

I have no guarantees that I’ll be able to graduate on time now.

I may possibly have to repeat this STUPID course and re-do my preceptorship.

I have to get at least an 8% increase on my retake when I have no fucking idea how to study while juggling school and clinicals.

I have to deal with the fact that my score, although I have an 84% chance of passing my boards, IS NOT good enough for the school. Thanks for your high expectations, because it’s not like I had enough caused by own internal issues.

I have no one to talk about this too, so this all feels really isolating because (1) I’m sure most of my friends passed, (2) I don’t like bringing people down, (3) it’s difficult to explain without sounding like I’m whining, and (4) telling people that I failed by 3% is akin to telling them I’m literally shit [I needed a 69% to get the 90% probability, but I got a 66% which correlates to the 84%]

Even if I pass the test on the re-take (which isn’t even the same fucking test, so what’s the point in studying the material I got wrong on the first try when there’s a million other things I don’t know 500%), there’s statistical evidence that you won’t pass your boards. Because for whatever reason, that’s a thing.

Like I really hate my life right now. Really and truly.

Congratulations, Nursing program. You’ve won.