Mega Rant/Vent

tl;dr: Jessica is frustrated with life.

I just need to vent and what better place than this.

I'm so tired of constantly having work pile up on me like a ninja. I'm so busy focusing on one, maybe two classes, at any one time, and then this other class, like a troll, waves at me and is just like, "Oh, you thought you could breathe for two seconds. Hm. You must be new. *THROWS ALL THE SHIT*" I'm just tired.

I have five chapters of math to do for tomorrow and a shit ton of videos to watch in order to do IVs and draw blood in lab tomorrow. Yes. You read right. I'm drawing blood tomorrow.

This semester is SO fast paced. Like, can't we slow down for two seconds? I feel like I BARELY even know how to do vital signs properly, because I'm not gonna loom over my roommates and be like, "hey, let me take your blood pressure." It's like, once I semi-grasp a procedure, we jump into another one. Um. I thought Nursing school was supposed to make me KNOW what I'm doing before jumping onto the next one. I feel like for the finals, which are random procedures that the professor tells you to do and also a head-to-toe assessment, are going to be the death of me. I'm going to fall incredibly ill during that week, because these teachers don't give a fuck.

What's worse is that none of the students do either. It sucks. Like, I feel like a complete loser because I don't know how to do these things confidently and I seem to be the only one that has a problem with not knowing. Maybe I'm stupid and everyone actually knows and thinks it's beneath them to care, but like.. I don't have a boyfriend or anyone I'd feel comfortable doing HALF of this on.

I'm not gonna pester my roommates, Blayn and his friends, or even other girls in the Nursing program especially to feel their femoral pulse. I wish I could take my own blood pressure, because I feel like I can't find people's pulse when the time counts. It's frustrating.

On the boyfriend topic, I think I had a bad dream last night, because I woke up and for some reason thought of Ricky and how he had helped me learn some of the bones and muscles when I took A&P2. So that frustrated me, because it was random as hell and didn't help anything.

Then the test I took today, I probably failed. I turned it in knowing it was probably the worst I've ever done on a test ever. It wasn't as bad as when I turned in my A&P2 final exam, where I legitimately cried in the classroom and in my car, but I still know I didn't do good enough. Then the teacher has the nerve to say that this is the easiest test and that the upcoming test, the one after fall break, the weekend I planned on spending with Austin since it's his birthday weekend, that test is going to be the hardest.

I basically feel like I'm going to fail and amount to nothing. I almost want to fail. I want to be able to do things I like. I want to be able to hang out with friends and actually enjoy my college experience. I don't even feel like moving on in Nursing if I can even graduate with a Bachelor's. I don't even feel like jumping through the hoops to be a CRNA. I'm just tired.

I want to lay down in bed and wrap myself up like a cocoon and sleep. I want to Rip Van Winkle this bitch and just sleep. I want to be able to play video games. I want to be able to breathe. My immune system needs to calm its tits, because I feel good and can function at some moments and then other times I feel like I'm trudging through mud and my nose is running like Niagara.

It's annoying. It's frustrating. I wish I was dating someone so I could fucking find the apical pulse without feeling like a creep. I want to be dating someone PURELY for scientific reasons. How sad is that. I don't even care if I like them or not... I just want to be able to use them as an anatomy dummy, so I can actually learn.

Also, I want ALL of my teachers to care. I mean, some of them do, but the ones that count, like my teacher for lab today, just doesn't seem to. I hate it. Don't talk about us and then expect us to know ALL the things, when this is the first time we're learning it. I feel like my brain can't take all this information. I don't even know where the information is going. I can't even formulate my thoughts, because my brain is mush.

I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't have some other secret skill to do. Nothing I enjoy in life is something you could do as a job. I like video games, but certain kinds stress me out to the point I can't play them. I like anime, but I can't draw for shit, I can't be a translator because I don't know Japanese. I could be a voice actor, but that's such a small field and I can't picture my voice going with ANY character I've ever read. I like animals, but thinking about being a vet almost makes me want to cry, because I love animals too much. It's like I don't have a niche and that alone is aggravating.

I picked Nursing, because I want to help people; to be the kind of nurse I'd want my Mom and Pap Pap to have, but I feel like I can't even get to that point, because my teachers are making it damn near impossible. I picked Nursing, because I want to be able to have a family life and have a semi-flexible schedule, yet still provide for my family. Assuming I'll even have the time to FIND someone to start a family with.

I feel like I'm having a life crisis right now.

I hear people talking about how they don't do ANYTHING and they just study. I feel guilty making plans for more than two days of a week that don't involve studying; I feel guilty about even contemplating on leaving for fall break when I have a test on Wednesday, the day we get back.

I can't even enjoy sleeping, because it feels like I'm blinking. One moment I'm settling for bed and the next I have to race to class. It's only going to get worse too. I just don't know. All of this sucks. I can't imagine dating anyone during this.. or having a job like some of the other girls in the program. That's probably the only thing getting my through: the fact that other girls have it worse than I do.

Which is sad to say and to think about, but it's true. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one that's flailing.

Oh, and can I just say how BIG of a problem it is that Allie keeps calling me like every single day. When I look at my calls list, she's pretty much the only person that calls me and I don't answer half of her calls. She stresses me out like it's nobody's business.. and she fucking did better than I did on the Foundations test, which pisses me off.

*any and all mad gifs*