Read me

Disclaimer: You can completely disregard this post if you dislike reading long things, because this will indeed be long; however, because I'm sure a majority of people would agree with what I'm about to say, it's highly suggested that you do read it.

The concept of change perplexes me in so many ways. Seriously just think about it. I had an amazing group of friends my sophomore year of high school - where are they now? Let's see. Due to MANY different circumstances the group has fizzled off, mostly due to, in my opinion, when I started dating, and also primarily because we all separate paths school wise and life wise.

I'm gonna drop names, not because I'm super raging pissed, but only to prove my point. Take Sarah for instance. We were the BEST of friends sophomore-senior year, but by the time senior year rolled around we kind of fizzled. We would talk, but it didn't feel the same. After high school when she moved away to go to college, our communication went from "eh, does she really want to talk to me or am I forcing her to?" to "wow. I guess I was forcing her to." The drop was ASTOUNDING to me, because I thought she was going to be a strong friendship to this day, rather than a memory or some acquaintance at best. The couple of times I've tried talking to her on FB have either been ignored, skipped over, or immediately cut off, which doesn't make me want to keep trying.

Now just think how many relationships you've lost over the course of your life. Probably a lot. Think of all the gains you've experienced. I hope you have a lot. It feels like a give-take system, but what if it doesn't have to be? Is that even possible to network that efficiently so no one feels like a social terrorist? And let's just say, you haven't experienced as much gains as you have losses, then what?

Yes, I feel like I've gained some people since high school graduation, but have I really? I've tried, tried and tried to keep contact with people I've had classes with that are really awesome and they always fail. If they wanted to see me, they would make attempts too, right? So can these people be really called a gain? I haven't had best friend slots filled, especially not now. I mean the closest thing to a best friend I have right now would be Tito and that's saying something.

I love my life, my legit friends, my family, and my roommates are really chill. I'd go so far as to say I love them too, because they make me feel appreciated, even if it was just because I wasn't emo/a smoker, but still. I over-analyze and question things that shouldn't be questioned, like "what if the friendships I have now crumble like before?" & "what if these relationships are built based on wants and not needs?"

If I wanted a may-weather friend, I'd befriend a dying animal.

I lost my train of thought. ANYWAY. It's just mind-blowing how much change can literally happen in the span of a year or even 2. I don't have anyone to confide to now seeing as how I'm not dating anyone, so I lost that best friend relationship. I confide to my parents, but I don't tell them everything, because that'd be weird for me. I don't tell EVERYTHING to anyone ever, but there's this chasm that I need to fill where I can just unload everything. Maybe a psychologist or something, but it'd be better if I had a person that knew me well enough, that could listen to my story without bias, who would listen to the full story because it's indeed rather long and that could support me without having judgment or pity.

If I wanted pity, I'd just tell everyone I was going to die in a week or something.

Looking back, I was a fucking idiot for thinking dating in high school was ever a good idea. I laughed at the thought of it up until senior year, but for whatever reason, I thought I'd be different. That maybe the relationship wouldn't be restricting to the point of suffocation (literally) and that I could juggle friends and someone like that at the same time. I couldn't, not because I wasn't physically able to, but because I was given an ultimatum. Then and there was when I should have walked away. It was not very Hippolyta like to stay and I wish I didn't.

There are so many facets about myself that I just want to let out, but I don't trust anyone around me to be able to deal with it. I'm being a drama queen, because if I don't, then someone like Austin would ask me to vent and it would be a conundrum. It's like I have to vent on someone I hate, because I won't care what they think of me.

I can't even sit and watch a Lifetime movie with my roommates without flash-backing, without feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a loon, but maybe they are for watching and also enjoying movies centered around topics about abuse, rape, violence, etc.

I enjoy surrounding myself with people because it makes me forget about the Band-Aid; it makes me feel like things are actually okay and that everything is the way it used to be. Then I get reminded of it by simple status updates from my old friends like Sarah, Lori, etc. I mean, Rachael won't even be my friend on FB for some reason & she's been one of my best friends since middle school. I SERIOUSLY wish people would just tell me to my face why my "friends" stopped talking to me in high school, why they would stare directly at me but then turn away to talk to each other.

It's ridiculous that I have to reflect back on piss-poor high school friends and get caught up in the "whys" of it all., but I do. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm annoying, deadly curious, temperamental, and stubborn, but I'm also kind-hearted, goofy, easily hurt, and too trusting.

This post is entirely too rambly and possibly too passive aggressive. It really wasn't supposed to be. I just wish I had someone who isn't insane or will treat me like I'm insane to talk to.