Pardoxer

I always say that I don't need people, or that I don't miss people that were in my life or were more so in my life than they are now. I always say that I don't care seeing old faces ignore me, look past me, or avoid eye contact with me.

But the truth of the matter is, none of that is true. I'm practically the biggest softy ever, to quote Ms. Day, sort of. She called me a softy, and that's about as much of a citation she's gonna get out of me at 11 at night. All of those little things that I pretend to be apathetic or indifferent about really hurts me. Every time I see someone I know and I see them blatantly ignoring my existence it's like someone's squeezing my heart like one of those de-stressing sand balls (which I don't find unstressing - might be because I hate sand. Anywho..)

And every time it happens to me, (the rare occasions it does), along with the pain comes the recognition that "Yeah, I deserve that" feeling. I don't think I'm perfect or a decent person in some aspects. Maybe, me wishing things could stay how they used to be is selfish because it's not like I really tried in the past. The feeling of being left behind sucks when all you see is everyone moving forward while I'm looking around wondering where my "friends" are at.

Yeah, I'm bitter. I don't make sense. I want one thing, but when the opportunity to have it comes my way, I shy off from that and avoid it. I'm a walking contradiction that's holding onto sand that's trying to slip through my hands, and I won't stop to realize I can't hold onto that forever. By the time I realize my sand is gone, it's too late for anything.

Except maybe in the end, out of the giant sand clump I've been carrying I find three tiny pebbles that didn't slip away. All I can hope for is that the pebbles won't be deceiving clumps of sand, but a genuine rock that I could count on. I don't know if I could handle finding a dud.

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." (Winnie the Pooh)