These are horrid times

I hate the smell of bleach, nothing about it is good. It just reminds me of pain and sadness. I cleaned today since I didn't stay at his house. My room is cleaner and my bathroom is spotless. I wish life could be like that, where if there was a mess or any blemish from the past, you could just clean it away and it'd be gone forever. I'd be a lot happier if that were the case, because I just hide the imperfections of the past underneath my happiness. Once my happiness is wiped away, I'm left with the stains, the scars, the insecurities of then. I clean when I don't know what else to do as a means to preoccupy myself from doing anything stupid, when I'm past the point of knowing what I can or can't do.

Things that used to come naturally to me don't anymore. I've changed: maybe for the better, but definitely for the worst and I hate who I am now. Someone that's so scared of everything because she feels unbalanced. Someone that needs to be happy to avoid the pain. Someone so painfully dependent on someone else that she doesn't know what to do when alone anymore. Someone who's willing to subject herself to pain because she doesn't know any better. Someone who doesn't know what to believe when she's told two things.

I'd give anything to erase everything and go back to how and who I used to be. But there isn't enough bleach in the world to do that and nobody really cares anyway.

"There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy." (Dante)

Oh boy, you left me speechless

(technically I'm seven in the picture, but this works)

I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonalds and think it's the best place to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa or Rudolph on the roof. I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips. I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is great. I want to believe anything is possible. Sometime while I was maturing I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, starving children, battered wives, death, unhappy marriages, and abused children. I learned of the unhappiness that exists and the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for an escape from the things I should be doing. I want to think answering the phone is a privilege not a pain in the neck, and that the bus rides are fun regardless of where I am going, not an inconvenience because I could have driven there faster by car. I want to live not knowing the little things I find exciting will not always make me happy as when I first learned them. I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of things which directly concern me. I want to be looking at the picture of life so closely that I can only see the people directly around me- family and friends- as the people who concern me, unaware of the power of government and the possibility I have of being insignificant. I want to be naive enough to think that if I am happy so is everyone else. Because by being aware, you take on responsibility, the responsibility to act or to know you didn't and live with the consequences. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand under my bare feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea-glass that I am looking for. I long for the days when while I walked down the beach, it was the only thing I thought of. But those days are gone. I am destined now to walk the beach always thinking other thoughts, worrying other worries, reliving memories good and bad that the beach reminds me of, enjoying the view and air but never completely removing myself from the thinking, worrying, and rethinking that is always going on inside of me. I want to be six again, happy to be alive yet unaware of what life really is, for that matter unaware of what happiness really is. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and attempting to ride my bike, letting the grown ups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the car's battery. I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, not to worry about what I'm going to do after graduation. It's not that I want to live my life over again, I'm basically happy with how things turned out--so far anyway. Rather, I want to be able to escape but not have to pay for it later. I want to be able to visit my six year old state of mind, play in my six year old state of mind, and swim in my six year old state of mind. Life was good then but I didn't know enough to realize it. I was so anxious to grow up I spent time I should have enjoyed being young acting older. I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape so that when I have a computer program, six reading assignments, two depressing friends, and second thought about my major, I can travel back and build a snowman without thinking about anything except why the snow sticks together and what I could possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

Kicking it Old School

Like Helium and Hydrogen, with just two, just two ♥

I love burrowing owls. They are incredibly cute! I regret to say though that I've missed the 7th Annual Burrowing Owl Festival this year - I've never been to a single one but right when I saw the advertisement, I got really excited! They are so adorable with their little bodies and their little cute eyes that stare at you as you drive by. You can't forget how cute they look when they fly too, or when they are all standing in their hole looking around for any enemies like the puppies running amok.

But what I find most intriguing about them is that I believe they have created an underground city underneath Cape Coral with tunnels connecting into a massive space near Ricky's house. I believe that this is their headquarters for the Great Owl Council, a governmental system within the owls. A hole is always being guarded by one owl at all times by his house in order to protect their leader! I hope to one day be an admitted member of the Council and be able to sit in on one of their meetings. It would quite possibly be the cutest thing I would ever see =)

"Intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings." (Salvador Dali)

a curious cat and a pug nosed pup!

For whatever reason, I researched a childhood movie today that I adored: Milo and Otis. It was in an attempt at not going completely crazy from studying Chemistry (which I will either do sorta good in, or incredibly bad in. The teacher is so sporatic about testing). Needless to say, I ended up watching the first 20 minutes of the movie, which still made me laugh and smile and in general make me feel all the emotions I did when I was younger.


I hope one day to be able to find that movie on DVD so I can share it with my kids when I have them. I'm sure they would love a movie that is so incredibly cute with both dogs and cats as friends =)


"I love you a bushel and a peck!" (Guys and Dolls)

I wish I was in a band =(

I'm the kind of girl who kicks the soda machine because it ripped me off. The kind who skips with friends in the mall, just because. The kind who can always win an argument because I start to get illogical. The kind who likes to get noticed. The kind who is afraid of everything, but won't admit it. The kind who will hug you without knowing your name. The kind who will talk for hours on the phone when you might not even be there. The kind who doesn't order a salad on any dates. The kind who doesn't really know who she is, but will never forget what she isn't. The kind who has a hard time letting go. The kind who has OCD traits and just wants everything to be perfect. The kind who wants to find the one, and thinks that she may have. The kind who listens to the rules and follows them; for the most part, anyway. And most of all, I'm the kind of girl who wants to change the world: one smile at a time =)

"Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask,

'Is it all worth it?'

And then a voice says,

'Who are you talking to?'

And another voice says,

'You mean, to whom are you talking?'

And I say,

'No wonder I lie awake at night.'" (Charlie Brown)

You're the one who's out of this world

I really miss being around when Ricky plays the bass! I feel like there's an inexplicable void in my life when I don't get to hear him practice his percussion bass, Paco. No matter how many times I may request that he may deign my ears with his melodious music, he always says okay but then he fails to acquiesce my request!!! It used to be something I really enjoyed and it's not like I ever got to sit in on his band practices, except a couple of times.

I'm pouting =/

Rob Wilco: "I got 20 bucks that say you can't finish that."

Bucky Katt: "Listen, I'm not intimidated by you OR your freakish talking money." (Get Fuzzy)

Me and my old pal Monday

Don't you hate it when you can't think of anything to write, so you just end up rambling for who knows how long, talking about who knows what, and then no one ends up caring because you've said literally nothing of substance within the last five minutes of you typing, but you never stop to consider how the poor reader must feel when they have to read your dribble, when you just can't stop and realize that no one really cares that much?

Yeah, me too.

"A bad writer is just a good writer with writer's block." (Bucky Katt)